An Exhaustive Bullet-Pointed List Of Things That Happened At Last Night’s Golden Globes

Monday, January 13 by
J-Law is so adorable. It takes everything I have not to chain her to my radiator and watch ESPN Classic with her.  

Some things happened at the Golden Globes last night. None of them merit their own article, or even a dedicated paragraph, so I’ll give the goings-on bullet points, some of which might even be complete sentences. Ok. I’ll give every bullet point it’s own complete, borderline run-on, sentence.

  • Jennifer Lawrence photobombed Taylor Swift on the red carpet. (Side note: Awards shows HATE Taylor Swift.)
  • Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were incredibly funny.
  • 12 Years a Slave won Best Drama, which wasn’t a surprise, and American Hustle won Best Comedy, which kind of was.
  • Jacqueline Bisset was drunk.
  • Alfonso Cuaron got Best Director for Gravity.
  • Amy Adams and Jennifer Lawrence both got Golden Globes for their work in American Hustle, baffling audiences as to why Jennifer Lawrence would walk away with only one award for the night, seeing as how they give out more than a dozen.
  • Jared Leto and Matthew McConaughey both got Globes for their Dallas Buyers Club work, which might mean that Jared Leto maybe would consider giving up that godforesaken 30 Seconds to Mars crap and sticking with acting.
  • Leonardo DiCaprio got his Globe for Wolf of Wall Street, which marks the first time someone’s been given an award for doing tons of blow, fucking hookers, and cursing. That I know of.
  • Brooklyn Nine-Nine won Best TV Comedy, which surprised people.
  • Meryl Streep got her 28th nomination, which I am told is pretty impressive.
  • Amy Poehler won for Parks and Recreation, which surprised people only in as much as it meant people still watched Parks and Recreation.
  • The Red Carpet apparently smelled terrible because sprinklers got the carpet all wet, and wet carpet smell is apparently the worst thing that can happen to celebrities and entertainment journalists.
  • E! listed Michael J. Fox‘s 1991 diagnosis of Parkinsons as a “Fun Fact,” which is completely hilarious, only because I see the editorial team at E! believing that every fact in the world is “fun” until proven otherwise. They apologized, but you can’t make something unfun after it happens.
  • After the ceremony, many celebrities went to parties, where they put on big smiles with their awards, drank champagne like the world was going to end, and a few probably probably kept sneaking back to hospitality suites at the Beverly Hilton to do monster rails to blow.
  • All in all, it was a magical night, and a grateful nation thanks celebrities for being so damn awesome all the time.
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