‘American Idol’ Recap: Nashville

Friday, January 28 by

Tonight, the T.V. gods were merciful, and the Nashville edition of “American Idol” was only an hour long. But despite the more manageable length, it still managed to leave me feeling sore and violated.

The Good

As one would expect from a city known for producing musicians, Nashville put forth a number of talented singers. And as one would expect from people who want to be on a reality television show, most of them were annoying.

For example, there was Rob Bolin and Chelsee Oaks, a couple who auditioned as a duet despite the fact that they recently went through a nast break up. However, the pair managed to get over the awkward situation and make beautiful music together, earning a trip to Hollywood in the process. Will being thrust into the spotlight rekindle their relationship? I guess we’ll just have to keep watching to find out. Jesus Christ, the whole situation is so contrived that it sounds like the plot to some awful Jennifer Lopez movie. Oh right, it basically is.

Other winning contestants included Lauren Alaina, who the judges seemed to think was the greatest thing since powdered cocaine, Andrean Beasly, who was probably the least annoying contestant of the evening, and Matt Dillard, a stone-cold overall-wearing hillbilly who inexplicably belted out Josh Groban. I just don’t understand it. If he can sing without an accent, why in the hell can’t he speak without sounding like Toby Keith’s dimwitted brother?

The Bad

Enough with the winners. I want to see sad, delusional people making fools of themselves! The fact that these pathetic creatures are going to die alone in an apartment full of cats just isn’t enough. I want…nay, I must see their feeble excuse for an existence come to a pitiful head on national television. I hope whatever family and friends these wretched freaks might have are among the millions who tune in to watch. After all, if no one is there to mock and ridicule them to their face, these nut bags might end up repressing the memory of the entire audition. We can’t have that. What good is publicly humiliating the mentally handicapped if they don’t remember it?

Speaking of the mentally handicapped, Christine McCaffrey’s performance was so bad that Randy Jackson thought she was faking. The other judges weren’t so sure. Personally, I think she was sincere, or at least that’s what I chose to believe as I pleasured myself to her pain. She had a certain desperate, deranged look about her that can’t be faked, and was probably the result of a lifetime’s worth of fat jokes at her expense. My wife has the same look, so I know what I’m talking about. But her crazy eyes aside, why would she bother to lie to her mom at the end if she was doing this as a joke? And why would she bring her mom in the first place? Watch the video and judge for yourself.

If that wasn’t crazy enough for you, here’s Latoya Moore, a 26-year-old recording artist with a self-esteem that’s as big as Randy’s old ass. I enjoy seeing egos deflate as much as the next guy, and this girl was certainly annoying, but something was off. I’m sick of people beating the “I miss Simon” drum. He’s f*cking gone, deal with it. But when the best comment the judges can make about this girl is “it’s like annoying, dawg,” it’s not very compelling. I mean, are we here to crush people, or not?

Other rejects of note included a gay dude who sang in a ridiculously high-pitched voice, a redneck tattoo artist who tried to sing some Skynyrd, a weirdo who balled his eyes out after being rejected, and, of course, Purple Man, who I can only assume is Green Man’s cousin. They were assholes, one and all.

The Judges

At this point, what can you say about the judges. Steven Tyler continued to throw out the dirty-old-man vibe, this time creeping on a former Miss Teen USA named Stormy. Granted, she’s probably used to it by now, since she did work for Donald Trump, but Jesus Christ, it was still hard to watch. Despite her weak voice, she made it through to the next round, thanks to a little help from Randy, and a lot of help from her perky tits.

As I mentioned before, Randy is at least trying to pick up Simon’s slack, even if he’s doing a shit job. That’s more than can be said for J-Lo. Truth be told, I’m not even sure if she said anything in this episode. She’s basically fading into the background, which is odd, since it’s not like she’s surrounded by strong personalities. Considering Fox is paying her millions of dollars, I’m sure the producers are shitting bricks right about now. Hopefully the bricks are made of solid gold, and they can use them to pay her.

The only other memorable moment was when Tyler chastised Randy for being mean to the contestants. I guess Tyler forgot he had agreed to be on “American Idol,” a show that was built on mocking bad singers. But even so, it made Tyler seem like he might actually be a nice guy…a nice guy who wants to bang teenagers, but a nice guy all the same. Hey, nobody’s perfect.