Jennifer Lopez’s new movie, The Back-up Plan, premieres this week. The film is supposedly a comedy about having a baby. Unfortunately, the trailer looks about as funny as SIDS. In fact, the only humorous thing about the film is that it was originally titled Plan B. Now that’s comedy!
But when it comes to awful films about babies, The Back-up Plan has a lot of company. Here are nine other poorly conceived baby movies.
Son of the Mask – 2005
The Mask (1994) was a horrible film that was made slightly tolerable by the presence of Jim Carrey. So when you replace Jim Carrey with Jamie Kennedy and throw in a baby with magical powers, it’s pretty clear you’ve got a real crapfest on your hands. Did I mention it also stars Alan Cumming? Well it does.
Jersey Girl – 2004
Jersey Girl was Kevin Smith’s first attempt at making a film that had nothing to do with Jay and Silent Bob. It ended poorly. In all fairness, Gigli, which came out just before Jersey Girl and also stars Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, poisoned the box-office well. Smith even killed off Lopez near the start of the film, but it didn’t save this dud.
On a side note, watching George Carlin pretend to change this baby’s diaper just makes me sad.
Ghostbusters II – 1989
A lot of people are clamoring for Ghostbusters III. I think those people should take a step back and remember Ghostbusters II.
The plot centers on a European ghost named Vigo and his attempts to abduct a baby. Don’t get your hopes up; it’s not as sexy as it sounds. In fact, it’s downright stupid. The giant marshmallow man from the first film is completely plausible in context. But a walking Statue of Liberty? Ridiculous.
Father of the Bride II – 1995
In this sequel, Steve Martin is back as an overprotective father who just found out his daughter is pregnant. As if that wasn’t crazy enough, it turns out his wife, who everyone thought was all dried up, is pregnant too! Outrageous!
I haven’t seen this film since I was a kid, but even then I was confused as to why the gay wedding planners from the first film ended up driving the pregnant women to the hospital.
You’ve come a long way since The Jerk, Steve Martin.
Baby’s Day Out – 1994
After Home Alone, John Hughes wanted to see how far he could push the envelope when it came to stupid sh*t. He found out with this film.
Baby’s Day Out follows a kidnapped baby who escapes from his captors and wanders around the streets of New York City. Those of you expecting the baby to be run over by a car or eaten by a homeless guy are in for a disappointment.
Look Who’s Talking Too – 1990
Have you ever wondered what babies think about? Then you’re an idiot. They can’t think, which is why they don’t talk and constantly sh*t themselves.
I didn’t think there could be a more pointless sequel than Look Who’s Talking Too, but then I remembered Look Who’s Talking Now, and I took some more Welbutrin.
Junior – 1994
Director Ivan Reitman makes our list for the second time with Junior, a film about a pregnant Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I know what you‘re thinking: “But Jame, boys can’t get pregnant.”
Shut up. He’s a scientist, so it make perfect sense. The problem is that unless Arnold was impregnated by the Alien or is giving birth to a race of cyborgs, no one’s gonna care. Besides, if I want a Schwarzenegger comedy, I’ll watch this.
Baby Geniuses – 1999
As the trailer suggests, Baby Geniuses is a film that follows the exploits of a group of baby geniuses.
You know, in the olden days, if they saw a walking, talking baby wearing a top hat they would have put it in a sack and thrown it off a bridge. Today they make movies glorifying that type of behavior. And you call that progress?
Barefoot and Pregnant Vol. 33 - 2009
Barefoot and Pregnant Vol. 33 is head and shoulders above the other films in the Barefoot and Pregnant series. Even so, I can’t help but think an early termination would have been better for everyone involved. The same goes for the Knocked-Up Nymphos series.