Films only have a limited time to get their whole story across. If a crazy dragon thing is introduced on Pandora early in a film, you can bet your bottom dollar that the main Na’vi hero will be riding that dragon thing by forcing his sexual ponytail into it by the end. But sometimes, threads are introduced in films that really don’t add up to anything. Whether it’s laziness or stupidity no one can say for sure. Except me. And I say it is laziness and stupidity. Here are 9 movie plot threads that don’t really go anywhere.
Batman Returns – Max Shreck’s Reverse Power Plant
Max Shreck starts off Batman Returns with an evil scheme to build a reverse-power plant that will suck all the energy out of Gotham, storing it for him and his family to dole out at a mark-up to citizens. The insane plan to somehow steal power is so important to Shreck that he kills his secretary, Selina Kyle, when she finds out about his scheme, turning her into Catwoman. And how does Max cap off his murderous scheme? By never talking about it again for the rest of the film. Maybe he just realized how stupid his plan was in the first place.
Attack of the Clones – The Mysterious Sifo Dyas
In Attack of the Clones, Obi-Wan discovers a hidden plot by deceased Jedi master Sifo Dyas to build a secret army of Clone Troopers on the planet Kamino. If you can understand that sentence, congratulations. You have wasted a significant portion of your life. At any rate, this Sifo Dyas guy must have been some kind of insane evil genius to build a secret army no one knows about. That’s my guess anyway. Because after all of the time Obi-Wan spent uncovering this scheme, none of the films ever bother to explain who Sifo Dyas was or what the clones were meant for in the first place.
Superman Returns - Lois Lane’s Insane Pregnancy
Superman Returns was supposed to be a continuation to Superman I and II. It was also supposed to be good. It fails on both levels. After knocking the red superhero boots with Superman in Superman II, Lois Lane apparently became pregnant. Which must have been very confusing and upsetting for her since Superman erased the memory of their whole affair with a “super-kiss” at the end of the film. Watching a lonely Lois Lane comprehend why she is mysteriously pregnant would actually have been a better film than the one we got, where Superman tries to comprehend why there’s mysteriously no action.
Spider-Man 3 – Sandman’s Daughter
When we first met Flint Marko in Spider-Man 3, the only thing he cared about was his dying daughter. In fact, the whole reason he was in jail was because he stole money to pay for his daughter’s treatments. And hell, even when he was disintegrated into sand, the only thing that brings him back is his love for his daughter. And then, nothing. Once he’s Sandman, Flint spends a lot of time beating the living crap out of Spider-Man, even teaming up with an anemic-looking Venom to kill ol’Spidey, but it’s not until the very end of the film when Sandman uses the famous floating-away power of sand before he ever mentions his daughter again. Did she live or die? It’s never mentioned, but God, I hope she lived. Spider-Man didn’t need anything else to cry about in that movie.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen – Galloway’s Autobot Rants
Presidential Advisor Theodore Galloway shows up early in Transformers 2 to tell the secret military group NEST that works with the Autobots that the President no longer wants the Transformers to be on Earth. And after Optimus Prime dies, Galloway decommissions the NEST group and basically shuts down Autobot – US relations. And then, the NEST team throws him off an airplane. Seriously. Why a good portion of the film is spent on a man who hates Autobots and yet never advances the plot is unexplained. But then again, we are talking about a film where a robot literally farts out a parachute and Shia LaBouf visits Robot Heaven.
The Matrix Trilogy – Neo Destroys a Sentinel
At the end of Matrix Reloaded, Neo re-enters the real world where he suddenly displays the new power to stop the robotic sentinels. And then he passes out. Afterwards, it’s revealed that Neo can sense machines in the real world, even when he’s blinded. But it’s never explained how he shot out a pulse that destroyed the Sentinels, even though that kind of power would really have come in use in the third movie. Or I’m guessing it was never explained. I kind of tuned out of The Matrix movies somewhere around that really smelly looking rave.
Magnolia – "The Worm"
A good portion of the early part of Magnolia involves John C. Reilly’s character finding a dead body in a woman’s apartment. The murder suspect is apparently named The Worm. Seriously. There is a rap in the film twice about The Worm and an interrogation where a woman is asked repeatedly about The Worm’s whereabouts. There is even a shoot out at one point that seems to be Worm related. But The Worm never shows up and the thread never goes anywhere. But, it’s hard to make any kind of quibble in a movie where Tom Cruise repeatedly yells about respecting the cock and taming the word that all women hate the most.
On Her Majesty’s Secret Service – Blofeld’s Earlobes
The only George Lazenby James Bond film is actually a pretty good movie. One of the few problems in the whole film is a weird plot thread about the main villain’s earlobes. Blofeld wants to prove that he is the heir and owner of the title Count de Bleauchamp. Bond is told that is Blofeld is the rightful heir, he will be missing his earlobes, a trait all the de Bleauchamps supposedly share. Blofeld at first claims he was born without earlobes, but later makes some noise about cutting his earlobes off. Seriously? This is one of the main points of a Bond film? A bald man’s earlobes? Beyond this thread not going anywhere, it takes away time from more important Bond activities, like how many slutty women Bond can screw.
The Phantom Menace – Anakin Skywalker’s Virgin Birth
Are we really back in Star Wars prequel land again? Yup. So, Anakin’s mom drops the bombshell to Qui-Gon Jin that Anakin was conceived without a father. Pretty weird but surely there’s a point here right? Like maybe someone used some Force magic to knock her up? Nope. Despite some vague talk about some ancient Sith Lord who may or may not have used his powers to conceive a baby, the thread is never really addressed again in the prequels. On the upside, not many movies would have the balls to link Jesus to one of the biggest mass-murdering bad-asses of cinema.
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