For those of us who are single, Valentine’s Day is a painful reminder of the unrelenting loneliness that haunts our lives. Sure, we might put on a happy face when we’re in public, but tonight, when we lie alone in our beds staring into the abyss, the stark realization that we’re going to die alone will be overwhelming. Well, I assume it’s like that for all single people. Maybe it’s just me.
Anyhoo, if you find yourself single, fear not. While being alone on Valentine’s Day might seem like a fate worse than death, the fact of the matter is that being in a relationship can be just as bad. As they say, the grass is always greener. Don’t believe me? Well, here are 9 films that prove you’re probably better off alone.
The Social Network
The Social Network begins with Mark Zuckerberg being dumped by his girlfriend. As a result of being spurned, he goes on the create Facebook, and becomes the youngest billionaire in the world. If that’s not an endorsement of being single, I don’t know what is. Sure, then the film ends with Zuckerberg pining for the same girl that dumped him, but that’s just screenwriter Aaron Sorkin being an asshole.
Yeah, having sex with a hot blonde girl sounds like a lot of fun, but what if she turns out to be some crazy bi-sexual? I don’t mean “crazy” in the good, three-way related way. I mean “crazy” in the “I’m going to stab you to death with an icepick” kind of way. Basic Instinct alerted the world to this ever present danger, and after watching the film, I chose to abstain from sex with hot women. Why risk it? It’s much safer to stay in and watch reruns of “Home Improvement.”
You think being single is bad? Try being a widower. It’s basically like being single again, except you’re totally unprepared to function on your own because you’ve become dependent on your partner. Plus, you have to deal with the emotional baggage that comes with the loss of a spouse. As About Schmidt shows us, we’re all going to die alone, anyway. Why not cut out the middle man and just stay single?
Kramer vs. Kramer
When you’re resigned to the fact that you’re going to die alone, watching your friends get married can be difficult. But the next time you feel jealous of a married couples’ happiness, check out Kramer vs. Kramer, and remember that half of all marriages end in divorce.
War of the Roses
If divorce isn’t bad enough, how about death? War of the Roses tells the story of a married couple who grow so tired of their marriage that they end up killing each other. And that’s not the worst of it. In the film, the vengeful wife ends up biting her husbands penis. The odds of such a thing happening to a single person are dramatically lower, especially for those without house pets.
Having a loveless marriage is one thing, but it’s better than having an evil, manipulative spouse. Just ask MacBeth. His wife convinced him that killing the king would be a good idea. It turns out it wasn’t. As a bonus, this film was directed by Roman Polanski. He tried his hand at marriage, and his pregnant wife ended up getting murdered by the Manson Family. This tragic event caused him to wise up and enjoy the single life. Of course, his idea of “the single life” was drugging and sexually assaulting 13-year-old girl, but you don’t have to be that drastic.
Everyone knows that married life in the suburbs is boring. But what you might not have known before American Beauty is that ending up in a loveless marriage can result in you getting your head blown off by your closeted gay neighbor. Who knew? I’ll stay single, thank you very much.
Getting married is just setting yourself up for disappointment. Not only are you committing to monogamy, which is stupid, but you’re also running the risk of getting cheated on. Just ask Andy Dufresne. His wife ended up fooling around with a golf pro, and Andy ended up going to jail for a crime he didn’t commit. The moral of the story: don’t get married.
Confessions of a Cheating Housewife
Relationships are all about trust. And after seeing Confessions of a Cheating Housewife, I could never trust another woman again. They’re all just waiting for the chance to have sex with the delivery guy. You’re much better off getting a job with UPS than getting involved in a relationship.