When Australians first started appearing in American films, no one raised much of a fuss. After all, there were only a few of them (Eric Bana, Cate Blanchett, Naomi Watts, etc.). Stars such as Mel Gibson (who was born in the U.S.) and Nicole Kidman became household names, but even so, their movie accents were so Americanized that many people didn’t know they were foreign. Back then, Australians who came here wanted to blend into the fabric of American society (save for Paul Hogan, but at least we knew he could be trusted). Those were simpler times.
What started as a trickle from Down Under has become a flood of cheap thespian labor that threatens to destroy the Hollywood we know and love, replacing it with a perverted “New New South Wales” right in our own back yard. Today’s Australian actor has no loyalty to these United States. We see them brazenly marching through the streets on Anzac Day, drunk off their faces on Fosters beer, singing Men at Work songs to anyone who will listen. But these disgusting displays are just the tip of the iceberg. The real damage comes in the form of stolen jobs. For every gig given to some Aussie “bloke,” a hard working American actor like Sinbad goes hungry.
Rather than continuing to bury our heads in the sand like some filthy emu (I know it’s ostrich, but close enough), it’s time we faced this menace head on. So that we better know our enemy, I have compiled a list of this new generation of Australian actors who pose a threat to our American way of life. Learn it well.
A lot of people will tell you that these Aussies are taking the gigs that American actors won’t. If that’s the case, how do you explain Simon Baker, who is now in his third season as the lead in the "Mentalist" on CBS? Last time I checked, roles in primetime dramas were still in demand amoung American actors, yet here sits this Aussie, hogging the limelight, and probably doing it for a fraction of the going price, driving down wages for everyone in the process.
Steve Guttenberg would be the perfect fit for this role, yet “The Gutt” sits at home.
HBO has long been considered the cream of the crop when it comes to original television programing. So it’s no surprise that a role on an original HBO series is highly sought after by these filthy ockers. Well, it looks like Ryan Kwanten hit the jackpot with his role as Jason Stackhouse on "True Blood."
If a handsome womanizer is what you need, why not cast Daniel Baldwin? He’s all American.
If you thought only male actors were losing out to the Australian menace, think again. While Isla Fisher may be ridiculously hot, that doesn’t change the fact that she’s not one of us. Technically, she wasn’t born in Australia, but she spent her formative years there. She’s been in the Wedding Crashers and Hot Rod, as well as Confessions of a Shopaholic. Ok, maybe that last role was one they couldn’t find an American to take, but still. She’s married to another foreigner, Sacha Baron Cohen. They recently had an anchor baby, and are probably sucking the California welfare system dry as we speak.
This red head is still getting work, yet all Lindsay Lohan can get is mandatory rehab? Forshame.
Chris Hemsworth is single handedly closing off the sci-fi/fantasy world to American born actors. Not only did he play Captain Kirk’s dad in the latest incarnation of Star Trek, but he’s also been cast as Thor in a series of upcoming Marvel films. To add insult to injury, he will also appear in the most American film of all: the remake of Red Dawn! Why don’t you just piss on our flag, you Aussie poofter!
Why Clint Howard was not utilized for the role of Thor, I will never know.
Anna Torv likes to take on all-American roles. In "The Pacific," she played legendary American film star Virginia Grey. And in her hit show, Fringe, she plays an FBI agent. But don’t let these fictional roles fool you. Anna Torv is as Australian as a koala bear sh*ting on a dingo eating a kangaroo!
Has anyone seen Lisa Kudrow lately? She probably starved to death. Thanks, Anna.
I’ll never forgive Tim Burton for turning his back on America by casting this Australian trollop in the role of Alice for his film, Alice in Wonderland. The part led to a role in The Kids Are All Right, as well as the upcoming Gus Van Sant film, Restless.
While this girl is probably turing down work, Tara Reid is forced to sit at home alone, playing with her giant nipple while waiting for the phone to ring. There’s no justice in this world.
Unlike his brother Chris, Liam Hemsworth hasn’t stolen much in the way of choice film roles. The Last Song was a real turd. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here and watch him steal our most valuable commodity of all: young female pop-stars. You see, word on the street is old Liam is dating Miley Cyrus. I stress the word “old.” She’s still 17, and he’s 20. And they’ve been dating for a while. Maybe statuary rape is all the rage on your filthy criminal island, Laim, but here in the States (well, most of the States) we don’t take kindly to it.
Besides, if you want an actor who bangs underaged girls, why not hire Rob Lowe?
Alex O’Loughlin recently landed the role every young actor covets: staring alongside Jennifer Lopez in a romantic-baby comedy (The Back-Up Plan). He then parlayed the overwhelming success of that film into a role on the hot new CBS series, “Hawaii 5-0,” his THIRD role on a CBS drama. Next thing you know, he’ll be demanding the right to vote in our elections.
There was only one man who deserved that role in “Hawaii 5-0,” and that man is Gary Busey.
Although born in England, Worthington moved to Austrailia when he was very young. This explains his parasitic nature, moving from place to place until the well runs dry. He’s like the aliens from Independence Day, and it has served him well. He eventually made his way to the US and sucked up roles in Terminator Salvation and Clash of the Titans, not to mention a little film called Avatar. And like his character in that film, he’s a filthy mercenary, a gun for hire with no allegiance to this, or any country.
Avatar would have been the perfect time for Lou Diamond Phillips to launch his comeback, if not for Sam “No Worth-ington."
Did I miss any Aussies taking over Hollywood? Put your comment below and be counted.