Well, well, well; Esquire thinks that Rihanna is the sexiest woman alive. I’m aware that this title is largely subjective, but they are wrong. Don’t get me wrong. She is a “sexy woman alive,” but the “sexiest?” Puh-lease. In Hollywood alone there are nine women that are hotter than Rihanna.

As usual, this list’s contentions are final and non-negotiable. Anyone caught discussing or arguing with the findings here or anywhere else online will have their comments deleted and their Internet privileges suspended.

Hayden Panettiere

Standing only 5’2”, Panattiere serves as this list’s “Shetland hottie.” She might not have Rihanna’s tall grace, but she more than makes up for it by looking like a cute tiny teenager while wearing a cheerleading outfit. She would have appeared higher on this list, but she was romantically involved with boxer Vladimir Klitschko which upsets me for a number of reasons, none of which I’m going to get into in this forum.

Yaya DeCosta

This Tron: Legacy actress finished 3rd in America’s Next Top Model, which springboarded her into acting. She stole a handful of scenes in The Kids Are All Right as Mark Ruffalo’s coworker/eff buddy and appears in the upcoming Justin Timberlake sci-fi crime thriller In Time.

I can’t speak to whether or not whips and chains excite Yaya the way they do Rihanna, but I’m comfortable assuming they do until I hear otherwise.

Minka Kelly

The star of Friday Night Lights and the soon-to-be cancelled (I’m guessing) Charlie’s Angels on ABC can not only face-off against Ms. Umbrella, but emerge victorious. Realizing I know next-to-nothing about Ms. Kelly, I looked her up to find that she was last year’s “Sexiest Woman Alive” winner. How ‘bout that!

She recently broke up with Derek Jeter, so if you think your game is on par with the likes of him, by all means, call her up. I don’t have her phone number, but I’m sure she’s listed.

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay may not be as conventionally beautiful as Rihanna, but Lindsay will total your car, then dust you in cocaine as she makes love to you, which makes her “hotter” in this writer’s opinion. Also, if you were somehow able to woo Lindsay and Emma Stone into bed, it would sort of be like making love to twins, though that’s outside the scope of this list and wasn’ taken into consideration.

Olivia Wilde

Many people either opt for Olivia Wilde or Megan Fox. Not me. I’m going to take a controversial stance and say I think BOTH are hot. Wilde is the second Tron: Legacy actress to grace this list, but made a name for herself by playing a bisexual, ecstasy-using genius doctor on the Fox medical drama House. She makes the list both due to her staggering physical beauty and her willingness to take her top off in photos like these.

Amber Heard

Amber Heard has made a very nice name for herself as this generation’s B-movie queen. I’m sure she’s not thrilled about that, but she’s the one selecting her roles. That title is hard to dispute with roles in Drive Angry 3D, The Ward, the canceled NBC drama The Playboy Club, and Zombieland. However, resume isn’t a factor on this here list. She is hotter than Rihanna and she probably marks “actor” on her tax returns, so she can cuddle up nicely in the number 4 spot.

Rose Huntington-Whiteley

I don’t care if she WAS a Victoria’s Secret model. She was in Transformers, which technically (technically) makes her an actress. Michael Bay found her so attractive that he picked her up from a Las Vegas fashion show, drove her out to the desert and offered her the chance to replace the lovely and borderline retarded Megan Fox for the third installment of the critically-acclaimed and seminal action franchise. The fact that Huntington-Whitely can't act for shit doesn't preclude her from being an actress. Not with a body like that.

Megan Fox

Speak of the devil. Megan Fox made a name for herself in the first two Transformers films, then sullied that name by appearing in Jennifer’s Body. She is known to have slept with Brian Austin Green and Shia LaBeouf, which is certainly a factor in her not getting the number one spot. She also has lots of tattoos and intimates that she has had bisexual experiences, which would be insanely hot if both those things weren’t so cliché.

However, hot is hot, and despite her best efforts, Fox sits pretty close to the top of the heap.

Sofia Vergara

While Vergara is known for her role as a Al Bundy’s fiery Latina wife on Modern Family, she will also be appearing in the upcoming Three Stooges movie along with Sean Hayes, Will Sasso, and Larry David, where she will appear 17 times hotter than she actually is.

Also, I should note here that breast size is extremely heavily weighted in my considerations, hence Vergara getting the top spot. The fact that she is 34 was also a factor, as it means she can tie her own shoes and everything. It’s pretty hackneyed to compare an older beauty to a fine wine, but f*ck it. Sofia Vergara is like a fine wine. She makes Rihanna look like Thunderbird or Mad Dog 20/20.

Speaking of Sofia, check out these 17 Bounce-Tastic Sofia Vergara Gifs.

And when you're done gawking at Sofia, click here to gawk at 27 Hot Girls Dressed Like R2D2.