9 Reasons Why Remaking ‘Point Break’ Makes Baby Jesus Cry

Tuesday, September 13 by

That Kathryn Bigelow Touch

Forge The Hurt Locker. We’re bigger fans of her earlier, awesomer films like The Loveless, Near Dark and, of course, Point Break. Rarely has a lady made such incredible films about being a man. Point Break stands, along with the other Swayze epic Road House, one of the greatest paeans to bromance ever committed to celluloid. Whoever they replace her with will care way more about gunshots and sparkling explosions and where to put the swelling Nickelback love theme to capture that.

Tom Sizemore’s Uncredited DEA Agent

Younger readers might not remember a time when Tom Sizemore was known more for his acting than his meth habit and his “girlfriend” (ahem) Monroe. Back before Saving Private Ryan or his insanely underrated performance in True Romance, Sizemore had an uncredited role as a DEA agent (no ellipses needed) in Point Break. Watch him out-act Keanue during what might amount to two minutes of screen time.

Post-9/11 Cynicism

For those of you who don’t remember, the early 90s were a time of relative simplicity and innocence. Audiences at the time had no trouble eating up the idea that an “F…. B…. I…. AGENT!” named Johnny Utah would be able to keep people who knew his real name from figuring out he’s a fed while also getting too close to a gang of bank robbers to bust them. If this movie were made today and didn’t have the cachet of the original to bank on, people would laugh it out of the galaxy. Shit is way too real now.

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