9 Reasons Why Remaking ‘Point Break’ Makes Baby Jesus Cry

Tuesday, September 13 by

The Bewilderment of Keanu Reeves

Keanu Reeves is a Zen master of sorts — there’s not a thought in his brain. This is why he excels in roles where common morons are in over their head. His performances in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure and The Matrix exemplify his ability to play bewildered, corn-fed dorks. His laughable attempt at being a hardened “F…. B…. I… AGENT!” is about as believable as Paris Hilton playing a hobo, but it’s hard to imagine Point Break without Reeves’ special brand of bad acting.

Gary Busey’s Gigantic Head

Much like Keanu’s confusion and Swayze’s everything, Gary Busey’s gigantic Irish head is a fixture in Point Break we can’t imagine a remake without it. Remember, Point Break was made before we knew precisely how insane Busey is. There’s only one man who could accurately be described as “intense” in the original, and that’s Busey. These are some shoes (hats?) no one could ever hope to fill.

The 90s Are Over and No One Wants Them Back

Poin Break existed in a beautiful, shining moment right before grunge hit big time but right after everyone was fed the fuck up with hair rock. What you see in the original is a sublime snapshot of a typical day in 1991. In 2011, they shouldn’t be surfing and spouting sub-Jim Morrison “philosophy.” They should be blogging and trash talking on social networks before working out some variant of the Superman 3 / Office Space salami slicing scam.

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