9 Reasons Why Remaking ‘Point Break’ Makes Baby Jesus Cry

Tuesday, September 13 by
Just leave it alone! 

Hot on the heels of Straw Dogs Footloose and A Nightmare on Elm Street, Hollywood is back to doing what it does best — taking good movies and ruining them with a remake. We don’t care much when it’s something that wasn’t very good to begin with (Arthur), or something so patently stupid that we don’t even have to take it seriously (Romancing the Stone), but when you start messing with our favorites like They Live and Planet of the Apes, we’ve got a broken bottle and a bad attitude. Now, proving that Hollywood is totally out of ideas and has no respect for the dead, some genius is talking about remaking

Can we just start by talking about Swayze? This cigarette-chomping centerpiece of Point Break is one of few actors to successfully unite the roles of heartthrob and legit bad ass. The Point Break remake was originally a sequel, something we can be cautiously optimistic about. Apparently Warner Bros. couldn’t wait until his corpse was cold to start violating it. It doesn’t matter who you get, WB — they won’t be Swayze.

It’s Already Licensed

They haven’t just made plans for a film. Warner Bros. has already licensed the film for television and games. Get ready for a sub-par USA Network weekly starring Matthew Lillard and Jamie Kennedy and an MMORPG where you can decide which ex-president you want to be.

Ex-Presidents

Not to put too fine a point on it, but the idea of bank robbers in Bill Clinton and George (H.)W. Bush masks is… well, stupid. Part of the charm of the original is the sheer Americana of the masks. Nixon, Reagan and Johnson are defining men of an era. While this is also true of Clinton and Bush the younger, it’s hard to see a man in a Bubba mask being anything other than comical, even when he’s holding a gun in your face.

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