Back in the good-old days, the elderly were revered as a valuable source of knowledge. Their vast life experiences were respected not only as a link to the past, but also as guide for the future. Yes, old people were once a cherished commodity.
Just kidding! I assume old people have always been considered lame, but I don’t know for sure because I never learned history. History is for old people, and I hate old people.
But I will say this; in the world of Hollywood make-believe, there are a few old dudes that I would not want to piss off. Luckily we live in the real world where old dudes can barely walk. But all the same, here’s a list of eight movie geezers you don’t want to mess with.
Paul Kersey – Death Wish 5
When Charles Bronson reprised the role on Paul Kersey in Death Wish V, he was well into his seventies. But that didn’t stop him from single handedly bringing down the vicious Irish gang that was attacking those supermodels. The plot sounds like the ramblings of a senile old man, so maybe the writer was in his seventies as well.
Master Yoda – The Star Wars Trilogies
When it comes to badass old dudes, they don’t get much older than Yoda. The old bastard lived to be 900, and he was still laying the smack down well into his mid-800s. Granted, his mental prowess might have been sliping since he couldn’t even tell that Palpatine was a Sith Lord, but still. When 900 years old you are, blah blah blah.
Pai Mei – Kill Bill Vol. 2
Like most old people, Pai Mei is mean, racist, and set in his ways. Unlike most old people, he can make your heart explode with his hand, and has no qualms about ripping out eyeballs. Don’t screw with this geezer.
Dr. Christian Szell – Marathon Man
If there’s one group I hate more than old people, it’s dentists. If there’s one group I hate more than dentists, it’s Nazis. Dr. Christian Szell is an old Nazi dentist. God I hate him. But that being said, I wouldn’t steal the magazines from his waiting room for fear of ass-kickery.
Lee Marvin – Any Lee Marvin Movie
Lee Marvin spent over 30 years in Hollywood, and over the course of his career he only played one role: crotchety old man. And from the Dirty Dozen to Delta Force, he was always an old man you’d be wise not to piss off. Even this song from Paint Your Wagon just screams “Danger.” Keep your distance.
Mr. Miyagi – The Karate Kid
In The Karate Kid, Mr. Miyagi doesn’t kick a whole lot of ass. But in the sequel, we learn that in Okinawa, there’s only one law: Miyagi’s law! If memory serves, Miyagi rips a man’s heart out of his chest and feeds it to a herd of Pandas. Unless you want the same treatment, don’t mess with Miyagi.
Walt Kowalski – Grand Torino
Walt Kowalski doesn’t take no sh*t from nobody. Wops, Mics, Gooks and Spooks, Walt hates them all, and he’s so tough that nobody can do anything about it…until the end where they shoot him (RETROACTIVE SPOILER ALERT).
Only Clint Eastwood could have played this role. Can you imagine if George Clooney made a movie where he said “spooks?” Jesse Jackson would have taken a dump on his head.
Lo-Pan – Big Trouble Little China
We’re not sure if Lo-Pan counts because he’s actually a centuries old ghoul, but the same is true of Larry King, and he gets treated normally. So why not Lo-Pan? Just because he’s an evil Asian stereotype? That hardly seems fair.