With the release of Splice this Friday and the introduction of the film’s monster Dren, played by model and actress Delphine Chanéac, we’re being treated to another marginally hot yet horribly wrong murderous beast for two hours of cleavage and mayhem. And while it’s awesome that the vampires and werewolves in Twilight all look like they should be trying to sell you sweater vests, most movie beasts have no business trying to stir up unwholesome feelings in you. And yet, despite how obvious it is that nothing that can eat you should give you a boner, filmmakers keep slipping dirty little things in there.
Arguably the most disturbing of all vaguely sexual interplanetary killers, the Aliens represent a non-stop orgy of awfulness. They starts their life cycle as a butt with fingers that has a vagina for a mouth and wicked jumping skills. Shortly after engaging in some BDSM choking and smothering, their victim is literally penetrated from the inside out by the universe’s most fearsome penis metaphor.
Alien designer HR Giger acknowledges that the creatures were designed in some manner of offputtingly sexual way, because a monster that eats you is one thing but a monster that eats you while making you think of bumping uglies is just terrifying.
Real World Equivalent: Luckily, for sanity’s sake, there’s nothing too similar to the aliens in the real world, otherwise we’d all be spending every day in a clench-filled panic. However, in a pinch you can recreate the same stomach-turning innuendo by shooting a nail gun through a dildo.
From the movie Species and depicted mostly non-creepily by Natasha Henstridge, things got weird once Sil turned full on alien. How weird? Someone, somewhere in the effects department thought “alien chicks probably have tentacle boobs, right?” and the rest is history.
Like a Japanese cartoon come to grim, Michael Madsen-soaked life, Species forced us all to watch the pleasantness of excessive nudity degrade into the excessiveness of unpleasant alien anatomy.
Real World Equivalent: If you can get a hot and somewhat homicidal model to take up cannibalism and wear a live squid instead of clothing, you might be in the right ballpark. Right in the sense it’d be a semi-accurate recreation of the movie. Nothing else would be right about it.
On the plus side, the Diva from The 5th Element never ate anyone or impregnated their brains with carnivorous slugs mid coitus or anything else that can ruin a Friday night, so she’s head and shoulders above the pack in terms of pleasantness at this point. On the other hand, it’s established fairly well in the film that she’s a captivating singer who seems to draw in the entire audience with the beauty of both her voice and appearance.
Here’s the thing though, and maybe we missed something, but isn’t she like a PVC tentacle monster with a head that looks like that weird hill from The Nightmare Before Christmas? It’s nice that she can carry a tune, but come on.
Real World Equivalent: Remember that squid we had on the cannibal model? If you can staple it to a dolphin and paint them both blue, there you go.
If there’s anything good left in the world, you’ve probably never thought of Jabba the Hutt in a sexual manner. But the fact remains that while Jabba the Hutt himself was no Megan Fox, he clearly had a bit of a debauched sensibility. Mostly all the guy did was lay down and have parties that featured scantily clad dancing girls in chains. He was basically a long time ago, far far away Caligula. Plus he was naked all the time.
Real World Equivalent: Larry Flynt
Staying in Jabba’s palace, we have to give a nod to the sultry lead singer of the Max Rebo band, Sy Snootles, one of the few Star Wars characters who actually ended up with a worse name than Count Dooku. There are probably an entire series of novels that detail the life and times of this character that hardcore Star Wars geeks are all over, but all you really need to know to fully appreciate her is that she wears a whorish shade of lipstick, a skirt that seems to be made of leather and fabric scraps and no top. Now that’s a lounge singer.
Real World Equivalent – If Amy Winehouse ever has a daughter with an anteater, keep your eyes on that kid’s music career.
Clive Barker’s Hellraiser series started out awesome and turned into something arguably worse than being punched in the neck by a stranger. But before everything went downhill, the concept of the Cenobites was a terrifying and extremely offputting one. While eventually the movies made them degrade into nothing more than demons, their original inspiration was very much derived from a kind of horribly awful BDSM club scene and their motivations were to surpass the boundaries and both pleasure and pain.
Complete with fetish gear, body piercings and a penchant for overblown speeches, the Cenobites were hardcore goth kids before it was cool.
Real World Equivalent: Depending on your skills with Google, you should be able to located any number of leather-clad ladies willing to torture you for about $300 an hour.
No one can argue that Total Recall wasn’t an awesome movie, because it so was. QUAID!! Ha! Brilliant. But that aside, there’s one scene that has been burned into the minds of all who have witnessed it and that is the three boob hooker at the bar on Mars that gets fondled by Benny the cabbie.
Now, for 70% of guys, the three boob thing is kind of awesome. If you’re going to become a mutant, there’s literally no cooler mutation you could get, and that includes anything the X-Men have to offer. Seriously control the weather? Read minds? Three boobs? No contest.
The creepy part here is, well, Quato. Arguably the most disgusting mutant ever, Quato is a circus person that grows out of a blue collar dude’s stomach and is completely gross. And he’s basically that guy’s 3rd boob. Nasty.
Real World Equivalent: This is a tough one, but have you ever seen one of those people who has gained weight in such a way that their two boobs seem to have grown together around their entire torso so as to resemble a single boob inner tube? Yeah.
The only woman in Magneto’s crew of miscreants for the first two X-Men films, Mystique is played by Rebecca Romijn and she’s naked all the time. Right away that seems pretty much like the best thing ever. And yet it’s not. While as the somewhat scaly and blue-skinned Mystique she’s very lithe and sexy the fact remains, she’s blue-skinned and scaly. How scaly? Scaly enough to apparently no longer have genitals. And she turns into Bruce Davison at some point. Would you want to run the risk of depantsing in front of a woman who could turn into Bruce Davison at any moment?
Real World Equivalent: Find a way to attach boobs to a chameleon and then see if it will make out with you.