7 Movies Not To Watch If You’re Married

Friday, October 9 by

Couples Retreat is sponsorin Break Media this week, so I’m going to go ahead and describe the film as a hilarious look at real world problems faced by married couples.

But when it comes to looking at the real world problems of married couples, not all films are so friggin’ hilarious.  In fact, some movies might just ruin your crappy marriage!

If you ever want to get married, or you‘re already married and want to stay that way, I recommend you avoid these seven films like Bryan Singer avoids vagina.

(Click on the posters to watch each movie’s trailer.)

Private Parts

On the surface Howard Stern’s Private Parts might not seem so bad.  After all, the film is basically a love note from Stern to his wife.  It was his way of letting her know that despite all the breasts he sees on a daily basis, love conquers all.

The only problem is that the movie is complete B.S. Stern and his wife had already separated by the time filming completed, proving once again that boobies often conquer love.

 

Kramer vs. Kramer

It’s bad enough when your wife walks out on you, but just imagine if she didn’t take your snot-nosed little kid with her!  If the idea of raising some little sh*t by yourself frightens you, don’t watch this movie.

 

Eraserhead

When you break it down, the plot is basically the same as Kramer vs. Kramer, except with a lot more disturbing imagery.  And instead of being stuck with a snot-nosed little kid, the “protagonist” is stuck with some sort of wheezing reptilian miscarriage. This film will not make you feel good about tying the knot, or anything else, for that matter.

 

War of the Roses

It’s common knowledge that once you get married your odds of getting a blow job shrink dramatically.  This film’s disturbing bedroom scene will ruin those few occasions when you do.  

If you don’t want to become paranoid every time your wife tries to go down on you for your birthday, don’t watch this film.

 

Cheaper By The Dozen

This film graphically depicts just how disgustingly zany marriage and family can be.  On another level, it’s a sad example of the type of sh*tty movie you’re going to get stuck watching on a regular basis once you and your wife squirt out a kid.  Either way you look at it, it’s sad.

 

Revolutionary Road

Roger Ebert says Revolutionary Road is a film about the restlessness that comes into marriage when the partners realize they’re married for good and there’s an empty space at the center.

You can get that same feeling by looking at the beanbag chair that was once your wife’s firm and well shaped ass.  No need to give BlockBuster an extra five bucks.

 

Real Wife Stories

This film will be enjoyable from the time you press play until exactly three minutes later when the first Kleenex hits your abdomen.  But after that the film will either make you extremely paranoid about what your wife is up to while you’re at work, or very disappointed about what she’s not up to when you’re at home. 

Married men should avoid this film like the plague. Might I suggest a healthier alternative such as Back Door Babysitters or It’s Okay! She’s My Stepdaughter.  

 

Today’s Marquee Links

Meet the "Master Baiters"

 Tom Cruise Goes to College: A Comic Book

Half-Nekked Nichole S. Photos

How’s Your Gourd? [and other photos]

Maxim’s "Booty Issue" Girls

 

 

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