This weekend, Scott Pilgrim will be bus fighting "the world," who in this instance are the seven evil ex-boyfriends of Ramona V. Flowers. He’ll be going through all this just to date her. Sure it seems dramatic, but we’ve all done crazy things in the name of young love. One of those is probably dealing with the wacko ex-boyfriend of the girl we’re dating.
While Scott’s chore doesn’t appear easy, it does seem like a cake walk in terms of a super group of ex-boyfriends on the big screen. Scott’s plight got this writer to thinking, "if I were dating a woman, who are the seven fictional ex-boyfriends I’d hate to have to match-up against?" The list is brief but the men are formidable. While they begin as boyfriends at the start of each film, they actually become an ex-love thanks to the meddle of the stories protagonist. Hence making them "ex-boyfriends".
Here are seven ex-boyfriends me, you or Scott Pilgrim wouldn’t want to have to face off against.
Ignore the fact he lost the final match to Larusso. It was one cheap kick to the face. Focus on the fact that for the other 125 minutes of the movie Mr. Lawrence made Daniel-San’s life a living hell at school, at dances, on the beach and anywhere else he could unleash a quickly choreographed butt-whipping on the kid from New Jersey. Throw in the fact Lawrence was the de facto leader of the Cobra Kai, and strutted around in his sweet sateen jacket about three or four cronies deep at all times, and any man would have his hands full with ex-boyfriend Numero Uno. Unless of course, you learn some stupid kick. Watch the other foot dummy!
"You know, you can just cut that psycho babble bullshit your mom tells you ok? You wanna help me out? Do ya? Do ya kid? Why don’t you go get me a 7Up, ok? All right, ’cause I think I might get vulnerable again." And with that line, Sack Lodge cemented himself in the a-hole movie boyfriend Hall of Fame, making every single woman in the world hate his guts. It also made him quite the foe to any man looking to take his woman. Why? He treated her like crap and she still stuck around for most of the movie. Sack was also heavily connected in the DC area and holds his own on the football field, as well as in a back-alley brawl (even if two people were holding his opponent). One quail hunting trip and Scott Pilgrim is pulling shotgun shells out of his pasty, pathetic boy-band behind.
Head of the Alpha Betas. Quarterback of a Division I football team. Head of the Greek Council. Eventual killer of every TV show. Stan Gable is perhaps the prototypical alpha male boyfriend who would still rule the college campus even if a couple nerds made him look bad once in a while. Gable is everything that Scott Pilgrim is not. Let’s just hope for Stan’s sake the Tri-Lambs and U.N. Jefferson don’t take a shining to Scott as well. Things might get dark. Bleek! I meant bleak!
Getting rich today seems much easier than getting loaded at the turn of the century. You had to have the proper mix of snake-oil salesman and southern charmer. It’s no wonder Cal Hockley was loaded. He was good looking, well read and had the look like he’d kill his own mother to get his way. All of these qualities make him a formidable foe. Oh, and also add to his resume he survived the sinking of the freaking Titanic, even after being one of the last ones off the boat. He might not have gotten the girl (or the diamond) but he got something his competition Jack didn’t; a chance to live to fight another fifty years. Cal is an unsinkable nemesis.
David McCall is every dad’s worst nightmare; a good-looking and manipulative kid with a love spell over his teenage daughter. Not to mention the dude was jacked and one step past bat-shit crazy. Any kid carving words into his chest for leisure and lust is not someone to take lightly, or talk to, or even go near for any reason. David is nuts with nothing really to lose. It’s a recipe for disaster. If Scott Pilgram, or any man, dates a girl with a dude like Marky Mark McCall for an ex, just move along because it’s not worth the hassle. Also, move to another town. Dude is bonkers.
Mutants walk among us. They usually date other mutants. Occasionally they will date us humans. One quick stare at the crotch and a guy’s balls are sizzling like cherry tomatoes on a BBQ grill. The only saving grace is Cyclops is one of the good guys. Doesn’t mean he can’t royally screw with people when Professor X isn’t paying attention. If a dude with huge cataract glasses is the ex-boyfriend of the girl you’re taking to dinner, be warned, because in this case looks could definitely kill. Although, it is James Marsden, who loses the girl in every freaking movie.
Think you’ve had some bad days on the job? What if your first day was an assault on a Jedi Temple (basically all your friends and ex-coworkers) and kill everyone inside, even little children, making way for the formation of the Empire. Oh, you spilled coffee on yourself? Big whoop. Darth Vader is the ultimate scorned ex. Hell bent on destroying everything, and everyone, all over a girl. It doesn’t help he isn’t even all human, made of spare parts and a black suit of armor keeping him pieced together. The dude has loved, lost, almost killed that love and his own kids a couple times. He has tasted death and really has little to live for. A Republic of Scott Pilgrims can get together to fight and it really wouldn’t matter. The Force is crazy with this one.
Chris Illuminati is a new dad. He has nothing better to do but watch movies and blog. Check out his other work HERE.