If there’s one thing Hollywood loves to do, it’s run an idea into the ground. And when it comes to squeezing every last dime out of a concept, sequels are the studios weapon of choice.
But what happens when your film’s main characters are dead, or your actors refuse to return for part two? A prequel. That’s what happens.
From X-Men Origins to Van Wilder: Freshman Year, Hollywood has proven that all you need for a prequel is a loose back story, an established title, and a willingness to crap all over the memory of the original movie.
On that note, here are seven awful prequels that are currently in production (in our minds).
Shawshank Origins: Brooks
Haven’t you always wondered about the mysterious origins of Brooks Hatlen, the librarian and resident "bird man" of Shawshank? No? Well screw you. That’s what you’re getting.
The Wrestler: Thunder in Paradise
The Wrestler ended on kind of a downer. Let’s remember Randy "The Ram" Robinson in happier times. I’m thinking Springsteen’s Glory Days for the soundtrack, or maybe Pink Cadilac.
The Young Pluto Nash Chronicles
Kids just love Webster! Kids love Pluto Nash even more! Combine the two, and you’re gonna make yourself a billion dollars!
Six (or 6ix)
Before his family was brutally murdered in Se7en, Detective David Mills (Brad Pitt) was on the case with his smooth-talking street-smart partner, Darryl “Detroit” Donaldson (Martin Lawrence). This unlikely duo will have to set aside their differences in order to track down “Six” stolen crystals before an evil Asian drug kingpin summons the ghost of Genghis Kahn.
(I know this poster looks like garbage, but I couldn’t justify spending any more time on a Martin Lawrence parody.)
My Big Fa Greek Uncle…
My Big Fat Greek Wedding meets Sleepers. Look, Nia. The studio isn’t going to greenlight anything without a Greek theme, so if you want a shot at a drama, this is your only chance.
Philadelphia: When Andy Met Miguel
Before all the lawsuits, before all the AIDS, before the all the lesions… there was the romance.
Star Wars: Episode 1 – The Phantom Menace
Let’s take a prepubescent Darth Vader, pair him with a jive-talking CGI duck-lizard and put them both in the middle of an intergalactic trade dispute! Oh, they already did that? My bad.
"Keep F**king that Chicken!" says Anchorman.
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