6 Comeback Projects for Steven Seagal

Tuesday, April 27 by

Steven Seagal has built a career laying his hands on other people. Recently this has brought controversy his way. What the man needs now is a comeback. Here are six projects that could easily put him back on top.

 

Law and Order: SVU (Seagal Victims Unit)

The best thing he could do in his current situation is to play to his strengths. Given his gropey rapist stigma, a career in film is a long shot. That’s why he needs to toe the water with a high-profile guest role on an established television series. I’m picturing him as a handsy corrections officer who insists on wearing a leather jacket all the time. Assuming this is a hit, he’ll have an Emmy under his belt. That’s when we move into Phase Two, beating the crap out of people on the big screen…

 

Face-Off 2: The Face-Off

When his evil twin steals his face to commit the crime of the century, Chicago Mayor Gage Trakker awakes in a hospital faceless. He frees himself from his captors and adorns his sinister sibling’s goateed grill in order to literally hunt down his own flesh and blood. It’s a race against time, as each face grows increasingly pockmarked. Will Gabe find his brother and recover his identity in time? And more importantly, why doesn’t he just shave??

 

The Pie Man

Vowing revenge for the murder of his partner, FBI Taster Chug Stugots goes undercover in the corrupt world of high stakes competitive eating. Also because they have free pie. However, Chug soon finds that the corruption goes all the way to the White House. Has Chug bitten off more than he can chew? Will he be consumed by his cravings for vengeance?? Are you going to eat that???

 

The Loneliness Of The Long Distance Runner (remake)

There is no actor alive better suited for an updated adaptation of the 1958 short story. There is also no actor alive that runs as hysterically as Seagal. It looks like he’s squeezing a penny between his bum-cheeks. In this version, Seagal stars as a drill sergeant who uses a long run to reflect upon the many asses he has kicked throughout his life. And maybe he’s running because he’s on his way to uppercut a pimp or something.

 

Say Uncle

Aikido-master and nuclear expert Dr. Jack Barnard is abruptly called upon to baby-sit his estranged nieces for the weekend. However, on this particular weekend the nuclear facility he works at in taken over by Bosnian mercenaries. Barnard is the only man that knows enough about nuclear bombs and judo chops to take down the terrorists. He must make sure that little Melissa doesn’t eat any peanuts because she has allergies all while protecting the United States from a smoldering, irradiated death. This flick is fun for the whole family!

 

Trapped In Bear

Wilderness conservationist  William Woodrow is deforestation’s number one opponent. One night, a corrupt logging official (played by Willem Dafoe) surrounds Woodrow’s tent with salmon causing the conservationist to be attacked and eaten by a giant Kodiak. Now trapped in the bear’s stomach, Woodrow teams up with a few other devoured detainees (as well as a precocious raccoon). Together they must find a way out before the forest is ripped from the face of the Earth.

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