This week, Disney’s latest action film G-Force opens. It’s the story of an elite team of Guinea Pigs – voiced by the likes of Nic Cage, Penelope Cruz, Sam Rockwell & Tracy Morgan – dispatched to stop a billionaire (Bill Nighy) from taking over the world with diabolical household appliances.
And it’s no government secret that cute Guinea Pigs plus tiny weaponry is a formula for Disney to sell the crap out of toys to boys and girls alike. Toys like these "Darwin" and "Hurley" action figures are only the beginning.
But not all the toys get approved for mass production, or even make it to prototype phase. Yes, some toys remain as concepts, because the Federal Trade Commission sh*ts all over the faster than an IBS-stricken rodent on wood shavings.
These are 5 Disney’ G-Force tie-in toys that never went to market.*
Turn your pet Guinea Pig into a super-powered government agent with the new G-Force™ Guinea Pig Mutation Lab™! Simply feed your little one(s) the super serum (included), place them in the Mutation Chamber, seal the door tight and choose your level of mutation. Press the "Start" button to let the fun begin! That’s hot! (Warning: Warning: Allow Guinea Pig to cool for 2 -3 minutes after mutation.)
Turn your favorite pets into fast and FURRY-ous airborne weapons with the new Disney’s G-Force™ Guinea-Pult™ system! Simply strap the safety goggles onto guinea pig and equip pet with weapons of choice (kamikaze package pictured), place in the firing seat, pull back and let fly! With the Guinea-Pult™, no crime is too FUR away!
Love sending your Guinea Pig on aquatic missions but hate all that nonsense about it not being able to swim? Check out Disney’s G-Force™ Underwater Exploration Kit™! Just strap your guinea pig’s feet into the swim fins, tape the mini speargun to its fur and attach the emergency air supply to its back (glue not included). Then place your little "frogpig" into the sturdy submersible – making sure to tie the handles to seal in some extra breathable air! Now you’re making a splash!
Your pet Guinea Pig operative can fit just about anywhere with the Disney’s G-Force™ Spelunk-o-Matic™ Vac-U-Pump™. With its patented Advanced Squeezing System) technology and "Rodent Lube" (included), the Pump literally injects your little explorer into the warm, dark tunnels that criminals like to use as their evil lairs. Need an emergency exit? Simple! Just switch the Pump to "Reverse" and it becomes a Rescue "E-VAC". Also includes "Cleansing solution" to flush out tunnel debris prior to insertion of rodent. WHOA! That’s tight!
Oh no! Your furry little operative has been captured by the enemy!! Now with Disney’s G-Force™ Battle Arena™ your fuzzy-wuzzy can fight for freedom– gladiator style. Just place pig and live opponent at opposite corners of the Battle Arena (parental guidance suggested), pull arms away as fast as possible and watch the show! Note: Reptiles may be tired so it’s a good idea to agitate them first using Disney’s G-Force™ Reptile Excite-o-Stick™ (sold separately). Let’s get it on, son!
*Not true at all, Disney lawyers and esteemed members of the Humane Society and PETA.
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