In case you don’t follow the comings and goings of conservative pundits as closely as I do (and why DON’T you, by the way?) it is my complete pleasure to tell you that Glenn Beck is producing a cartoon for his video website GBTV. As soon as we figure out what GBTV stands for, we’ll update this post. We have a call into his publicist.

All that’s known is that, according to THR, the show will be an “animated comedy series,” co-produced with a firm called Icebox, which was founded by writers who have worked on King of the Hill, 24, and that stalwart of conservative propaganda, The Simpsons.

While the information might be scant at this time, it’s more than enough for us to put together a shortlist of AWESOME premises for a Glenn Beck cartoon. For instance:

5. The Adventures of Hill Billy and His Wife, Shrilly

In this hilarious cartoon, an Arkansas man named Billy simply travels around the world, screwing everything up, like Mr. Magoo, only if Mr. Magoo had a liberal agenda that caused everyone to lose all self-reliance and to line up for government handouts like so many two-bit crackheads. In the second episode, Billy’s ineptitude would get him kidnapped and an elite squad of anti-terrorism experts headed by Black Ops specialist Ronald Dumsfeld frees him, all the while preservin the American way of life.

Hill Billy celebrates by eating a chicken leg, farting, and raising everyone’s taxes.

4. Profilin’ Pete and His Good Time Gang of TSA Employees

This cartoon would largely take place in the realm of an airport security checkpoint. It would be a feel-good show about the men and women that keep us safe from the threats presented by nail clippers and baby formula. There wouldn’t be a premise per se, but the show would incorporate the following aspects:

  • Six plus-sized employees in extremely tight polyester pants

  • One young man who looks WAY too young to in charge of anyone’s safety

  • A never-ending string of hapless travelers who all claim to be “racing to make their flight.” (The fine print on your ticket says get here two hours early, MORON!)

  • Bernadette, the evil queen of snow globe-confiscation

  • A plotline that insists you can’t be uncomfortable if the person is using the back of their hands to probe your ass crack

  • And an undeveloped character whose catch phrase will be, “If you’re not able to prove to me that that’s your diabetes medicine, you’re going to need to dispose of it before you pass through”

3. Freedom Squad

In what would probably be a topical mini-series, freedom squad would be a group of patriots who travel from town to town, preserving democracy by teargassing Occupy Wall Street demonstrations. All the protestors would be have horns stemmig from their heads, wear filthy dashikis, and fail to exhibit even a child’s grasp of basic economic policy.

Since the show could be animated, whenever the protestors breathe the tear gas, they would immediately start flashing, then instantly decompose into a giant pile of marijuana.

Freedom Squad’s home base would be the basement of a Brook Brothers. And, as an example to children, their only weapons would be their minds and their fully-licensed handguns which they were able to buy at a gun show without the “mandatory” 7-day waiting period.

2. Crazy Squirrels!!!

This program would just be about a ragtag group of squirrels that goes around on various adventures, like the first day of school, or cooking a Mother’s Day breakfast for Mama Squirrel. Also, they would ride skateboards and participate in good-hearted, innocuous mischief. One of the squirrels, “Clint,” would wear a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses and frequently utter the phrase, “Let’s get nuts!” which would either mean that it was time to act crazy or that they had to commence with their daily chore of foraging nuts for their squirrel colony’s sustenance.

There would be no political agenda, overtones, or undertones in Crazy Squirrels!!!

1. Uncle Glenn’s Konservative Kabin

This show would meld live-action and animation in separate segments, like Fat Albert did. Also like Fat Albert, Uncle Glenn would offer up such double-entrendres like “You’re like a typical liberal’s dream society: no class,” and other delightful gems. Further, a six-episode arc would focus on Joshua, a vegan whose diet has made him too weak to play football and be vigilant in reporting suspicious activity in his neighborhood.

Uncle Glenn would constantly remind children that they can use firearms and yelling to get them out of precarious situations. Also, he would explain why beating up a homeless person is bad, but not as bad as beating up a regular person with a job.

The “Konservative Kabin” would be a large house in Laguna Niguel that checks all their landscapers for proper work papers and features a large garage full of cars that don’t have to rely on electricity (the “coward’s energy”) to rescue kids from soccer practice or model U.N. after school.

***UPDATE*** We received word that "GBTV" stands for "Glenn Beck Television" and that since its launch in mid-September, the online station has over 230,000 paying subscribers. Huh. That seems like a lot.

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