5 PERFECT MOVIES FOR SYLVESTER STALLONE

Thursday, April 30 by

Sylvester Stallone is a film institution. The muscleman’s legend spans the globe due to the iconic characters he has popularized over the years. And at almost 63 years old, he’s amazingly jacked. Seriously, you could grate Jason Statham on those abs.

Here are five movie roles tailor-made for the Silver Screen hero:

 

THE SQUEEZER

In the dangerous world of underground massage the women are beautiful, the men are hard, and the stakes are deadly. Retired assassin Grant Lovejoy went in for what he expected to be a routine rub and tug but what he got was far more draining. Now with a small bomb planted in his urethra, Lovejoy will tear through Chinatown until he exacts vengeance on all of his enemies — all while ejaculating every seven minutes. Lovejoy always wanted a happy ending in life. Careful what you wish for.

Also starring Eric Roberts and Bai Ling.

 

STOP! OR MY GRAMPA WILL SHOOT

Sgt. Joe Bomowski is back in this much-needed sequel to the 1992 hit, Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot. This time around Joe has a new partner… his sixteen-year old granddaughter! Gadzooks!! Pop superstar Miley Cyrus plays the spoiled teen forced to spend the summer with her by-the-book lawman grandpa. Wuh-oh! I bet that this odd couple are sure to butt heads. But when the teen singing sensation becomes the key witness for a high-profile murder trial she finds that her crotchety old grandpa is the only one she can trust to protect her. After his nap of course!! Wukka! Wukka! Wukka!

(The sad part is that I could actually see this one getting made.)

 

YOUR MOM’S NEW BOYFRIEND

 

She raised you. She put all of your needs before her own. But now that you’re up and out of the house, your mom is single and ready to mingle. You might say to yourself, ‘No. Nobody is good enough for my dear old Mumsy.’ That’s where you’re wrong. Enter Sylvester Stallone as Rodney the Supermarket Meat Department Manager with a heart of gold. Sure, his fashion sense is a little out of date and his head looks like a clogged drain and he’s not the coolest guy in the room and he always smells like ground beef. But time shows that he’s a heckuva nice guy. Just don’t picture them banging one another.

Jay Baruchel and Sigourney Weaver co-star.

 

GUNS

When Vermont plays host to the NRA Annual Convention, a group of peace-loving, pacifistic protestors besiege the convention center. And for newly appointed NRA Spokesman Sylvester Stallone there’s only one way out… guns a-blazing. See Sly single-handedly dispatch droves of drum circles and batches of beatniks. This summer, maple syrup won’t be the only thing flowing in the Green Mountain State.

 

STUCK IN LINE BEHIND A FARTER

He thought he was out. He thought that the bloodshed had ended. That was until he went to the post office and got stuck in line behind a farter. Now, John Rambo must do battle with his greatest threat… himself. If this gruesome social faux pas leads him to kill again, he may never stop. This time he who smells it, DEALS DEATH!

– MATT SEARS

Matt Sears is a freelance writer living in New York City

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