Wednesday, April 15 by

The 80s were a lot of things.  Not the least of which, it was a time of gross over-advertising. Any slight movie hit in the 1980s would warrant the plastering of its image on a cardboard box filled with unoriginal cereals. There was Ghostbusters cereal – nothing more than Lucky Charms, C-3PO’s – frosted Cheerios, and E.T. – some sort of peanut buttery Cap’n Crunch.

Here are a few cereals that never hit the market, but should have.


I think this one was a no-brainer. Arnold was an up-and-coming star, and if the original movie was good enough to have a bad sequel, surely the movie deserves a cereal (which is like a sequel, but with more fiber). I would go so far as to say, if this cereal was produced, Mark L. Lester would have published “Commando 2: The Best Sequel Ever” here on ScreenJunkies.


Again, a no-brainer. Plus, if all the teenagers were going to have an uprising of post-pubescent depression and angst – get them starting the day the right way by filling their maws with 100% post-consumer cardboard cut into fun shapes and dredged in 2% milk. Potential prizes could have included a Judd Nelson action figure – an item that might bring a pretty penny on eBay nowadays (yep, just a penny).


Nothing screams 80s like Breakdancing and West Side Story-esque gang fight scenes. This would have been well marketed to street urchins who may be illiterate, but fluent in the language of the dance. If anything could get them from rags to riches, it would be suing the cereal company that gave them diabetes.


If anyone in the Robocop universe needed a cereal to help boost his ego, it’s ED-209. He can’t help it if OCP made him with Windows Vista. I think in a better world, old ED and Robocop could have been good buddies, and would have cleaned up Detroit (they can start with GM – HIYOOO!).


The cereal box.  You opened it.  We filled your belly with essentialy vitamins and minerals that will have you out the front door and raising hell in no time.  Take a big Ceno-bite of this hearty goodness!  Or, how about this one: "Why not make your nightmares daymares?"  *boardroom erupts with huzzahs from fat cats in suits*


Ross Conkey is a freelance writer living in Chicago.  He eats his Wheaties, but would much rather be eating Hellricers.  Granted, they would be stale by now.

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