30 Actresses Who Should Consider Topless Scenes
It's hard to believe, but even in a society that's as sick and depraved as our own, there are still some actresses who refuse to go topless. That's insane! Using my neighbor's Wifi connection, I can see countless women getting completely naked and doing awful things to each other, and I get to watch that for free! But just because some "actresses" majored in theater, they're too good to get topless in movies I'm paying for? That's insulting not only to me, but to the millions of girls around the world who sell their bodies for money on a daily basis.
Well, the only way to rectify this situation is to identify the worst offenders and shame them into doing the right thing. With that in mind, I've complied this list of 30 actresses we'd love to see topless. Hopefully, they'll stop putting on airs and give the viewing public what they want.
Update: A few people are complaining about Isla Fisher, Lindsay Lohan, Mila Kunis, etc. According to Mr. Skin, they all used body doubles in their films. So please double check before you leave a negative comment.
30. Jenna Fischer
We aren't really dying to see Pam from"The Office" show us her cans. But since actress Jenna Fischer has stated she'd never do a nude scene, it makes us want to see them that much more.
29. Jennifer Garner
Jennifer Garner has yet to go topless, which is a shame, cause she's rapidly approaching the point of no return.
28. Jessica Simpson
We'd love to see "actress" Jessica Simpson get topless. The only problem is, we'd rather see it back in 2005. Warm up the time machine.
27. Sandra Bullock
Sandra Bullock is often referred to as "America's Sweetheart." Last time I checked, if someone is your "sweetheart," you get to look at their tits. Let's see 'em. Demolition Man didn't count.
26. Jennifer Love Hewitt
Perhaps Jennifer Love Hewitt has passed her prime. But throw in the nostalgia factor, and she's still worth a look.
25. Cameron Diaz
I've heard rumors that Cameron Diaz isn't hot in person (what a coincidence, neither am I). Luckily, I'll settle for seeing her topless in HD.
24. Lindsay Lohan
(Update: Machete uses a body double) They say an addict can't begin to recover until they've hit rock bottom. Well, nothing says rock bottom like selling your body for money. That's why we want Lindsay to go topless: because we care.
23. Leighton Meester
What a retarded name. But to quote Dave Attel, "those tittes ain't retarded." Sorry you can't see her breasts in this pic, but I guess I'm more of an ass man.
22. Blake Lively
Pout all you want, Blake. At this point, a topless scene is the only thing that can make up for Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
21. Katherine Heigl
Katherine Heigl has a really bad reputation these days, mainly because she likes to trash talk people she's worked with. But I think a good old-fashioned topless scene would clear the air.
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20. Katherine McPhee
Until she does a topless scene, Katherine is always going to be "that girl from 'American Idol' who tries to act." But if she goes topless, she'll be "that girl from American Idol who shows her ta-ta's." What's it gonna be, McPhee?
19. Anna Faris
If you're best known for being in the Scary Movie franchise, you obviously can't feel shame? So, why not go topless?
18. Isla Fisher
(Update: Wedding Crashers uses a body double) Since she's married to Sacha Baron Cohen, the easy joke would be to say, "very niiiiice." But instead, I'm going to take the high road and simply state that I would punch my girlfriend in the ovaries to see Isla Fisher topless. I'm classy like that.
17. Minka Kelly
Truth be told, I don't even know who this is. But Wikipedia says she's dated both John Mayer and Derek Jeter. I don't like either of those dudes, but since they get more women in a weekend than I'll get in my whole life, I'm going to trust their judgment.
16. Kate Mara
Kate Mara is in the 6th season of "Entourage," which gives me exactly two reasons to give a damn about that awful show.
15. Elisha Cuthbert
Elisha Cuthbert is currently on the show "Happy Endings." Make your own joke.
14. January Jones
January Jones certainly deserves a spot on this list, but not nearly as much as her"Mad Men" costar. Sadly, it seems January will always live in Christina's shadow(s).
13. Katy Perry
Katy Perry is an actress in the sense that she acts like people want to hear her sing. Also, she has a voice-over role in the upcoming Smurfs movie. At any rate, she's made her career off of her breasts, so it's about time she shows them.
12. Natalie Portman
If it was just a matter of beauty, Natalie Portman would be much closer to the #1 spot. But the list is specific to breasts, so that knocks her down a bit. I feel bad about that, but considering she's Natalie Portman, and I'm just some creep writing on the Internet, maybe she should feel bad for me, instead.
11. Eva Longoria
Everybody loves Eva Longoria...except me. I know she's hot, and I'd love to see her topless, but for whatever reason, I refuse to put her in the top ten. I think it's because I hate "Desperate Housewives," but it might also be the fact that her name reminds me of Hitler. Either way, she's number 11.
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10. Sarah Shahi
Does the fact that Sarah Shahi was recently interviewed by Screen Junkies have anything to do with her being in the top ten? It doesn't hurt. But the fact that she's got a killer rack doesn't hurt either, so shut up.
9. Emma Stone
I love Emma Stone so god damn much. That's why the fact that she hasn't done a topless scene makes me so sad. But she's only 22, which gives me hope for the future.
8. Jessica Alba
This picture always makes me tear up, and not necessarily in my eyes. Sorry.
7. Mila Kunis
(Update: Forgetting Sarah Marshall uses a body double) I hate Mila Kunis. Not only does she refuse to show us her wonderful chest, but she also got to film a love scene with Natalie Portman. What a waste.
6. Oliva Munn
Oliva Munn is a god damn cock tease. She makes her living off of pretending she's going to let nerds see her boobs, but she never follows through. God damn it, that's like waving food in front of a starving person. We need this!
5. Megan Fox
When this photo was leaked, we all thought Megan Fox was doing a topless scene. Turns out her nips are actually covered. Jesus, who are you kidding at this point. We won't wait forever. Just show them, already, before you end up way back in the 20's with Jennifer Love Hewitt.
4. Rachel Bilson
Rachel Bilson is "uncomfortable" with being nude on camera and wore a flesh-colored bra while filming a sex scene for The Last Kiss. If this chick isn't comfortable with her body, maybe there really is something wrong with the way our society objectifies women. Oh well. TAKE IT OFF!
3. Christina Hendricks
The name Christina is the feminine form of the male name Christian, which is derived from Christ, as in, "Christ, look at the size of those bozangas!" As much as I'd love to see those things, we can't put Christina at #1. There's a good chance they are actually too big, and seeing them unleashed might prove to be a disappointment. Prove us wrong, Christina!
2. Scarlett Johansson
Scarlett Johansson was the odds-on favorite for #1, and it's easy to see why. But the fact of the matter is I'm sick and tired of waiting. You know, Scarlett, there's this thing called the Internet, and every day, thousands of girls use it to post topless pics of themselves. For example, Google the names Bree Olson and Faye Reagan. See, they're "actresses," and they do topless scenes (among other things). What makes you think you're better than them? You're not.
1. Sofia Vergara