I’m not even close to getting through all the films 2010 had to offer, but that won’t stop 2011 from vomiting dozens of new options into the toilet that is my life. With so many films to choose from, I’m going to have to make some difficult decisions over the next 12 months. That’s why I’m planning ahead. While I’m sure this list will be altered as the year progresses and new information comes to light, I’ve made a preliminary rundown of 11 films I refuse to miss in 2011, all others be damned. Sure, a lot of great movies probably didn’t make the cut, but this is the real world. Not everything works out the way you want. Deal with it.
Before The Hangover, I wasn’t a huge fan of Todd Phillips. It’s not that his films weren’t funny, I just didn’t see what all the fuss was about. But I finally saw the light, and I’m hoping to see it again with The Hangover 2.
The Good: Setting the film in Bangkok opens the door for all sorts of demented behavior, since the city makes Vegas look like Branson, MO.
The Bad: Unfortunately, expectations are extremely high going in, which never helps. Unless Philips pulls off The Godfather II of comedy, many people will be let down.
The Ugly: From Mel Gibson to Bill Clinton, this film has been subject to a ton of cameo rumors, which really defeats the purpose of a surprise cameo. Hopefully the film still has some tricks up its sleeve without coming across as too gimmicky.
Sucker punch, the latest outing from director Zack Snyder, tells the story of a young girl in the 1950s who is about to be lobotomized. The girl retreats to a fantasy world as she and her friends attempt to make their escape from the asylum.
The Good: Hot girls and violence; This film has lots of both.
The Bad: Way too much slow motion. We get it! It looks cool. Speed it up! I’ve got to piss!
The Ugly: If there’s nothing more than implied lesbianism, things are going to get really ugly in my theater.
Hobo with a Shotgun has been a long time coming. Based on the winner of a Grindhouse-style trailer contest at South by Southwest, the film stars Rutger Hauer as the titular shotgun wielding hobo.
The Good: The fact that this film is even being made restores some of my faith in humanity.
The Bad: Thus far, trailers I’ve seen haven’t been that impressive, which makes me think it will have a hard time living up to the nearly perfect source material. That being said, even if it sucks, I’ll probably see it at least twice.
The Ugly: Decapitations caused by chains tied to moving vehicles tend to get ugly.
This film chronicles the adventures of three friends who decided to kill their…wait for it…horrible bosses. If all goes well, we might be dealing with a modern-day Office Space. Hey, it already has Jennifer Aniston.
The Good: The film has a funny premise and an all-star cast (Kevin Spacey, Jamie Foxx, Jason Batemen). But despite the big names, I’m most excited about seeing Charlie Day from “Always Sunny” on the big screen…in a film besides Going the Distance.
The Bad: Jamie Foxx’s character is named “Motherfuker Jones.” That’s not bad, so much as it is badass!
The Ugly: If the film is successful, I suspect we’ll see a rash of boss killings, beginning right here at Screenjunkies.com.
Written and directed by J. J. Abrams, and produced by Steven Spielberg, Super 8 tells the story of an alien that escapes from a train while being transported by the government. At least that’s what most people are speculating. The filmmakers have been very tight-lipped.
The Good: Abrams, Spielberg, aliens: need we say more?
The Bad: Abrams, Spielberg, aliens: again with the extraterrestrials?
The Ugly: If this alien enjoys Reese’s Pieces, I’m walking out.
Directed by Jodi Foster and starring Mel Gibson, The Beaver is about a business man who loses his mind and begins using a beaver puppet to communicate with the people around him.
The Good: If the film does well, it will be a hell of a comeback story for old Mel. Plus, everybody loves beaver. Am I right?
The Bad: Gibson’s personal problems could derail the film and take away from his actual performance. In case you hadn’t heard, Mel’s been having some P.R. problems as of late.
The Ugly: If you pay to see it, you’re giving money to a racist, anti-Semite who (allegedly) beats his girlfriend. I’m sure it wouldn’t be the first time, but still.
The Muppets are back, and they’re in a movie. Need I say more? Awesome!
The Good: Jason Segel is in charge of the script. His stuff can be a little melodramatic for my tastes, but it should be a good fit for a Muppet movie.
The Bad: You’ll have to watch a lot of hipsters enjoying the Muppets “ironically.”
The Ugly: Lady Gaga will probably have a cameo. F*ck that!
Based on the L.A.P.D. Rampart scandal of the early 1990’s, Rampart tells the fictional story of a police officer, played by Woody Harrelson, who is caught in the crossfire. If it sounds a lot like an updated version of L.A. Confidential, it basically is. James Ellroy even worked on the script.
The Good: A great cast featuring Woody Harrelson, Steve Buscemi and Sigourney Weaver.
The Bad: You probably don’t want to see this movie at the ghetto theater, even if it is half-priced.
The Ugly: What’s uglier than racial tensions and police corruption? Make your own Steve Buscemi joke. Sorry. I’m uglier than he is, so it’s OK.
Based on the Swedish book of the same name and directed by David Fincher, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is a tale of murder, intrigue, and sexual assault.
The Good: David Fincher and serial killings, together at last.
The Bad: Sexual assaults are a real drag. If you don’t agree with that statement, seek help immediately.
The Ugly: I’m going with sexual assault for this one too. I can’t stress that enough. Sexual assaults are bad. And that’s not just my court-mandated meds talking.
Based on the book by Brian Selznick Hugo Cabret is about an Orphan who lives in the walls of a Paris train station. It’s not nearly as depressing as it sounds.
The Good: Martin Scorsese is set to direct a cast that includes Jude Law, Ray Winstone and Christopher Lee.
The Bad: The French are involved.
The Ugly: Have you ever smelled a Parisian train station? If so, the 3D images are sure to conjure up some disgusting nasal memories.
No, not the James Bond movie. I’m talking about the 3D film depicting the “true story” of Justin Bieber. Why is it on this list? Because these days, the only time I feel alive is when I’m engulfed in hatred. Besides, it’s a chance to ruin the film for those who actually want to see it. I recommend sneaking in a bag of your own feces and tossing it into the air half-way through the first song.
The Good: Nothing.
The Bad: Everything.
The Ugly: If you go to this movie, you will look like a pedophile. I recommend bringing a kid with you, unless you are an actual pedophile, in which case you should wait for the DVD.