Don’t call me out on the grammar, Twihards. I didn’t make the pic.
There’s no doubt that humanity has a overwhelming fascination with vampires, and Hollywood has taken advantage of this interest by churning out more vampire flicks than that Land O’Lakes chick churns out creamy spread. The latest one, Daybreakers, hits theaters this Friday, and I’m hoping against hope that it brings something new and unexpected to the genre. I dig the human blood bank premise and visuals from the trailer, and you can’t really go wrong giving Sam Neill amber, glowing eyes. With that said, there are plenty of ways to royally F-up the world of immortal bloodsuckers, and few movies have taken great pleasure in doing so. If Dracula had a look at these films he’d be eternally rolling over in his grave (crickets, someone farts).
I’m all for a good dose of 80’s cheese, but this film starring a fresh-faced Jim Carrey really pushes the boundaries. Whether she can help it or not, Lauren Hutton rocks the gap-toothed Madonna look, and the production design in her dungeon of horny vampire teenagers is plywood-tastic. Also, it’s not cool to convince a dude you’re going to go down on him only to turn him into a creature that has to sleep in your moldy basement.
This one doesn’t need much explanation. It’s about a guy named Count Gaylord who stalks the streets of L.A. for the hunkiest victims to ever succumb to lust, as well as his enemy, the Marquis de Suede (okay, I’ll admit that’s an awesome name). Oh, and it’s a gay porn, not B-roll of Tom Cruise as Lestat.
Vampire in Brooklyn
Wes Craven has NOT done it again! This movie is kind of like Gayracula in the sense that a horny vampire (Eddie Murphy) is stalking the streets for someone to sink his teeth, and more, in to. Only in this film he wants a partner of the opposite sex, and Craven isn’t intentionally trying to make you feel like you’re taking it from behind.
Love At First Bite
This film sees the perpetually-tanned George Hamilton don Dracula’s cape. Much like Vampire in Brooklyn (and 27.5647% of Eddie Murphy’s films), the famous vamp moves to New York City in search of a bride. He finds his intended but is thwarted by her boyfriend, Dr. Jeff Rosenberg. He’s the best vampire slayer/Lasik technician on the Upper East Side. And such a handsome dressah.
Bordello of Blood
If you ever want to provoke Dennis Miller into a fist fight, just bring up Bordello of Blood. He probably used his earnings to beef up his Chomsky and Zinn libraries but at what cost Dennis? At what cost?? Perverts, however, may enjoy viewing to see a pristine Angie Everheart chew up the men and the scenery. And by pristine, I mean before she let Joe Pesci climb all over her.
Van Helsing is the most headache-inducing in Stephen Sommers‘ long line of juicy, crap burgers. Try to follow this logic, if you can. The Vatican sends Van Helsing to Transylvania to kill Dracula so that he can’t use Frankenstein’s monster to bring his undead children to life but along the way he finds out that only a werewolf can kill Dracula so Van Helsing becomes a werewolf and kills Dracula and is then issued a werewolf cure as he kills Kate Beckinsale who he later sees really big in the sky with her ancestry because killing Dracula has freed her family from Purgatory. Really, movie studio? A grown man came into your office and said those things and you gave him $160 million??? It would be a far more feasible plot device if the only way to kill Dracula would be to lick his a$$hole. But Gayracula already beat them to it.
John Carpenter’s Vampires
Decent premise, awful movie. In this John Carpenter bomb, a vengeful vampire slayer must retrieve an ancient Catholic relic that, should it be acquired by vampires, will allow them to endure sunlight. Otherwise their skin forms the qualities of their hunter, James Woods. Don’t think Carpenter didn’t know what he was doing when he cast this one.
The Little Vampire
A lonely boy (the kid with Aspergers from Jerry Maguire) becomes best friends with a vampire. Mmmm hmmm. I’ve seen that Dateline before. If this weren’t a kids movie I’m pretty sure it would end in a forced viewing of Gayracula, an arrest, Stockholm Syndrome, a therapist, a jail house pen pal relationship, a shanking, tears, and a suicide. If it weren’t a kids movie.
Dracula: Dead and Loving It
I’m a huge Mel Brooks fan, but this one simply will not do. I would have preferred Leslie Neilson playing Frank Drebin in this movie as opposed to Dracula. Sure, it wouldn’t have made any sense, but at least it would have been funny. O.J. could have made an appearance too, maybe as a murderer/Rennfield.
The Twilight Saga
Hey Team Edward, Jacob, and Bella, gather round, I have something to tell you. Real vampires don’t sparkle. Please feel free to rip me a new asshole in the comments section.
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