10 Truthful Oscar Nominee Reactions

Tuesday, January 25 by

This isn’t the Golden Globes, people. This is the Academy Awards (a.k.a. the real deal). But just because the awards are real doesn’t mean the reactions from the nominees will be. That’s why we’ve spent all morning running said reactions through our patented B.S. translator in order to determine what the nominees are really saying. So, without further ado, I give you 10 truthful Oscar nominee reactions.

“I’m pregnant, so hand over the god damn statue.”
-Natalie Portman, Black Swan

“They say write what you know, so I wrote about lesbians.”
-Lisa Cholodenko, The Kids Are Alright

“Piss off, you bloody Yanks. You’re a bunch or right f*cking wankers, you is!”
-Christopher Nolan, Inception

“Now I can finally admit that I Heart Huckabees was a pretentious piece of shit. I feel so much better now that I’ve got that off my chest. Sorry again, Lily.”
-David O. Russell, The Fighter

“Oh great! I can’t wait to dress up like an asshole, again!”
-Helena Bonham Carter, The King’s Speech

“We don’t want or need any more of these statues. Give our spot to Nolan, or something.”
-Joel and Ethan Coen, True Grit

“It doesn’t seem fair that I should get an Oscar Nomination before I get my period, but them’s the breaks, bitches!”
-Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit

“I’d like to thank Michael Cera for getting on everybody’s nerves and allowing me the opportunity to slip in under the radar.”
-Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network

“Oh, good for meeeeeeee! That joke just won’t go away, will it?”
-Christian Bale, The Fighter

“There are two films featuring lesbians up for Best Picture. So, when the academy goes to vote, they have to ask themselves a simple question: Would they rather watch Julianne Moore going down on an elderly Annette Bening, or me going down on pre-preggers Natalie Portman? When put in those terms, the choice is simple.”
-Darren Aronofsky, Black Swan