The Dangers of Outsourcing America’s Superheroes

Tuesday, February 1 by

Aside from baseball, apple pie, and supporting Egyptian dictators, what’s more American than superheroes? These popular crime-fighters were invented right here in the good ol’ U.S. of A., and since their inception, they’ve continued to fight for our way of life. However, now that our way of life is under attack from radical foreigners and home-grown socialists, so too are our beloved superheroes. With the announcement of each new new superhero film I am continually infuriated by the casting decisions. Instead of opting for a talented American actor, as God himself intended, the Hollywood elite gives the role to some loathsome immigrant whose breath reeks of kidney pie or Billy tea.

Many people, including my parole officer, have called my views paranoid and misguided. But the truth is, if you’re not paranoid, you’re crazy. Besides, you’d have to be blind not to see that the very fabric of our society is being torn apart by the outsourcing of our superheroes. Don’t believe me? Take a look at the following list. Then we’ll see who’s the “xenophobic nut bag.”

The Green lantern

Speaking of Canadians, Wolverine is about the only superhero I can think of who comes from the Great White North. But when it came time to cast for the film, Hollywood went with Aussie actor Hugh Jackman. I hope the people of Canada (all 500 of them) were as outraged as I was. While I’m not big fan the Canucks, or mutants, for that matter, at least they’re from this continent. That’s more than I can say for Hugh.

Canadian Brendan Fraser would have done well in the role. Very well, indeed. OK, not really, but what about Scott Speedman?

Professor X

As long as we’re on the topic of mutants, let’s talk about Professor X. Personally, I think he’s a meddlesome subversive and a fifth columnist who wants to overtake our society from within. I’d like nothing more than to see him and his kind rounded up and deported. But it’s an internal issue for us, as Americans, to decide. And we certainly don’t need any British actors like Patrick Stewart poking their noses into it.

Stanley Tucci could have easil taken on the role instead.

Batman

Although technically not a superhero, since he has no superpowers, Batman is able to keep up with his more gifted friends through sheer force of will. He’s smart, cunning, and totally self-sufficient. In short, he is the very embodiment or the rugged individualism that made this country great. That’s why it disgusts me to see an Englishman playing Bruce Wayne. But should I expect anything less when a noted limey, Christopher Nolan, is directing? Tim Burton must be rolling over in his grave.

Why not Jeremy Renner. Maybe he’s a little old, but he doesn’t sound like a pissed off cookie monster when he talks.

The Punisher

Like Batman, the Punisher doesn’t need superpowers in his bloody quest for justice. But unlike Batman, he has no qualms about blowing away criminals. After all, there’s nothing more American than killing a petty thug with a barrage of bullets. However, seeing Irish actor Ray Stevenson in the role of Frank Castle was enough to make the Statue of Liberty cry. In fact, two of the last three Punisher films have cast foreigners in the lead (Dolph Lundgren being the original). I guess The Rock was busy.

Spider-Man

Andrew Garfield, who plays Spider-Man in the upcoming reboot, is technically an American. While his father was born here, his mother was from the U.K., which makes him a dual citizen, holding both a U.S. and U.K. passport. I’m sick and tired of these English women coming to the U.S. to have anchor babies. It’s bad enough our hospitals are being overrun with Brits, but now they want to take our high-paying superhero jobs as well?

Besides, Alden Ehrenreich was the superior choice. I don’t know who he is, but I know he’s not a foreigner!

The Green Hornet

By all accounts, The Green Hornet was awful. But I’ll never know for sure, since I’m not going to pay money to see some fat, pot-smoking Canadian (Seth Rogen) tarnish another American icon. Unless they are making a movie version of “The Red Green Show,” Canadians need not apply.

Hell, Jeff Garlin would have been just as good a choice.

Thor

When it came time to cas Thor, producers set their sites on Australian actor Chris Hemsworth. While in theory, I should be upset about this, I’m actually fine with it. After all, I’d rather an American actor not take part in a film that glorifies some filthy pagan god. Best to leave that to the Aussies. Since they all descend from criminals anyway, they’ve probably already lost their souls.

Superman

Superman is the most iconic of all the superheroes. He was born on another planet, so he’s technically a foreigner. But the Man of Steel was raised in the heartland, and quickly adopted our country as his own and assimilated seamlessly into our culture. You won’t hear him going by his bizarre sounding name, Kal-El, or demanding that they speak Kryptonian at the DMV.

So why is it that when it came time to cast the man who fights for truth, justice, and the American way, Hollywood chose to go with an actor who is a known subject of the British crown, the very nation that tried to strangle our infant government in its crib. Not only that, but Henry Cavill actually plays a British nobleman in Showtime’s, “The Tudors,” a period piece that takes place before the United States was even a county. How Un-American is that?

Captain America

The last bastion of hope in the superhero pantheon is Captain America, who will be played by American actor Chris Evans in the upcoming film. Thankfully, Evens was born in Massachusetts, the very birthplace of our great nation. But if this seems too good to be true, it is. Although Cap is at least played by an American, the film is being shot in England. Yes, the movie takes place in England during World War II, but that doesn’t mean we have to film there. That’s what sets are for. I have a sneaking suspicion that the abundance of cheap labor in the form of cockney orphans had more to do with the choice than any need for realism. The Star-Spangled Avenger deserves better.

COMMENTS

  1. February 1, 2011 2:12 pm

    Correction

    The Tutors or the Tudors?


  2. February 1, 2011 2:12 pm

    Jame

    Thanks. I blame spell check, even though that can’t be the case because Tudors is recognized.


  3. February 1, 2011 2:12 pm

    Anonymous

    I do that all the time. I wish I could delete my comments… Great article, though!


  4. February 1, 2011 2:12 pm

    thenayshun

    America can’t keep any jobs


  5. February 1, 2011 2:12 pm

    Frank Bough

    Kidney pie and Billy tea? Hmmm… cos of course we all love those in the UK don’t we… (that was sarcasm by the way)


  6. February 1, 2011 2:12 pm

    yabadabadoo

    Fail, Bale is Welsh not English. Bale is even a Welsh name.


  7. February 1, 2011 2:12 pm

    ClosetofHeroes

    Well, the classic Superman movies from the 70s/80s were shot at studios in the UK – as are many movies – so involving the UK in the process of bringing our superheroes to the screen isn’t exactly a new thing, dude.


  8. February 1, 2011 2:12 pm

    ClosetofHeroes

    Well, the classic Superman movies from the 70s/80s were shot at studios in the UK – as are many movies – so involving the UK in the process of bringing our superheroes to the screen isn’t exactly a new thing, dude.