Now, the question of why Coolio has a cookbook (or an awesome Internet cooking show, for that matter), is a whole different story. While I don’t have a definitive answer, I think a coworker of mine who once worked with the rapper put it best when he said “Coolio needs food money.”
Whatever his motives for pimping “Ghettalian Garlic Bread,” he’s far from alone. A ridiculous amount of celebrities have tried their hand at writing a cookbook. While it must be insulting for an actual cook to see a bunch of amateurs using their fame to get a cookbook deal, it’s a thousand times better than when celebrity chef Emeril Lagasse used his fame to get a sitcom deal, so let’s just call it even.
With that in mind, let’s take a look at the worst offenders.
Tony Danza – Don’t Fill Up on the Antipasto: Tony Danza‘s Father-Son Cookbook
Did you know that Tony Danza is Italian? I guess you probably did, since every character he’s ever played is a walking Italian stereotype. And what better way to further showcase his Italian heritage (a.k.a. squeeze blood from a turnip) than with an Italian cookbook. I guess he could have started doing Olive Garden commercials, but that might have cheapened the legacy of “Who’s the Boss?” Eh, fuggetaboutit!
Eva Longoria – Eva’s Kitchen: Cooking with Love for Family and Friends
This book doesn’t come out until April, but I’m sure it will be great. Of course, in my mind, it will consist mainly of pictures for recipes like “Eve’s Latin Ass Cake” and “Naked Titty Pie.” In actuality, it will probably be filled with bitter musings about her cheating husband. Try the ‘How To Kill Your Ex’ Cajun Chicken. I hear it’s delicious.
Gwyneth Paltrow – My Father’s Daughter: Delicious, Easy Recipes Celebrating Family & Togetherness
They should have titled this book My Father’s Connections: Easy Ways to Break Into Hollywood and Cookbook Publishing. Just kidding! She’s a good actress. Even so, that title is really schmaltzy. I would have gone with “Delicious, Easy Recipes From the Woman Who Got Her Head Cut Off in Se7en.”
Cooking With Regis & Kathie Lee
A lot of you are too young to remember this, but there was a time when Regis Philbin and Kathie Lee Gifford were on the same show. This book should be required reading for all students so that future generations may never forget the evil that man is capable of inflicting on his fellow man.
Dom Deluise – Eat This .. It’ll Make You Feel Better
Considering Dom Deluise passed away about a year-and-a-half ago, the title of this book doesn’t add up. Unless, of course, Dom didn’t follow his own advice. Which is it, Dom? Are you a hypocrite, or a liar? Answer me!
Carnie Wilson – I’m Still Hungry
This isn’t exactly a cook book. It’s more the harrowing tale of an obese woman’s life and death struggle with weight loss. But it does have a few of Carnie’s favorite dessert recipes, so I’ll count it.
Ted Nugent – Kill It & Grill It: A Guide to Preparing and Cooking Wild Game and Fish
I’d love to go out and blow a deer’s head off, but I just don’t have the slightest idea about what to do with the carcass! Luckily, washed up rocker and rugged outdoors man Ted Nugent is here to help. Of course, his book leaves out the part about illegally baiting animals, or hunting them in a fenced-off area from which there is no chance of escape. But what else do you expect from an ass hat like “The Nuge.”
Kenny Rogers – Cooking with Kenny Rogers
If you’ve got a special someone who’s big fan of “The Gambler,” this book is a must have. Of course, anyone who’s a big Kenny Rogers fan is probably in a nursing home without access to a kitchen. But even so, it’s the thought that counts. And the pictures will remind the reader of a simpler time, when “Coward of the County” ruled the airwaves, and it didn’t hurt to take a piss.
Miss Piggy – In the Kitchen With Miss Piggy: Fabulous Recipes from My Famous Celebrity Friends
I love the Muppets, and I’ll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I make fun of Miss Piggy. But there’s something genuinely unsettling about a pig telling you how to cook. I can’t imagine the sections on pork chops and frog legs were easy to write.