This Friday marks the release of Justin Bieber’s new film, Never Say Never. Unless you still have a hymen, chances are you don’t give a damn. I completely understand. After all, the film looks like nothing more than a two-hour advertisement for Bieber‘s shitty pop music. But while Bieber himself certainly congers up a lot of hate among non-fans, he’s hardly to blame. Hollywood was teaming up with the music industry to produce this kind of dreck when he was still just a gleam in his grandfather’s eye. Unfortunately, we can’t yet go back in time and kill his grandfather (never say never), but we can take a look at 10 films that paved the way for Bieber’s upcoming cinematic atrocity. And considering the early reviews are actually positive, many, if not all of these films might actually be worse.
From Justin to Kelly – 2003
Remember Kelly Clarkson? She’s the formerly thin former American Idol. Remember Justin Guarini? Yeah, I don’t either. But Wikipedia does, and it turns out he was the runner-up to Clarkson. In order to capitalize on the duo’s new-found and obviously short-term notoriety, Fox rushed out a musical. Needless to say, it crashed and burned at theaters, with one critic comparing it to “Grease: The Next Generation acted out by the food-court staff at SeaWorld.” (Wikipedia told me that, too). It is widely considered one of the worst musicals of all time. Watch the trailer above and see why.
Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience – 2009
When comparing the Jona Brothers to Justin Bieber, it’s easy to come to the conclusion that they are the same: young teenagers singing shitty pop music. Six of one, a half-dozen of the other, right? Not exactly. With Bieber, at least there’s only one person to hate. With the Jonas Brothers, there are three. That’s three times the awfulness. While I can’t be 100% since I will never watch either film, I’m going out on a limb to say Bieber’s film is better. Do the math.
Give My Regards to Broad St. – 1984
It easy to pick on a bunch of 16-year-old kids who have barely made it through puberty, but at least they have an excuse for making this garbage. They’re young, and young people are stupid. Besides, as bad as the movies might be, they’re still making millions of dollars. What teenager wouldn’t jump at the chance to make that kind of money while starring in a film?
That brings us to Paul McCartney. What excuse does he have for making Give My Regards to Broad St.? He was a grown-ass man at this point in his life, and he had already made hundreds of millions of dollars. Ringo I’d understand, but Sir Paul? Welcome to Oobu Joobu, bitch.
On the Line – 2001
Lance Bass, a member of the boy band ‘N Sync, starred in this turd. And while it is a horrible, horrible movie, it has gotten better with age. Why? Because the fact that Bass is now openly gay gives the film loads of unintentional comedy. “Gee, he just can’t seem to land a girl.” That’s cause he has sex with dudes, stupid! Leave him alone!
Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band – 1978
This musical tribute to the Beatles‘ album of the same name stars the Bee Gees. Remember the Bee Gees? If you answered yes, I’m impressed that you know how to use the Internet. Are you still using AOL dial up?
At any rate, there’s not much to say about this movie other than it had an all-star cast, especially considering it’s about as enjoyable as watching a non-salvia related Miley Cyrus video. Speaking of which…
The Hannah Montana Movie – 2009
I was torn between including this, and the Hannah Montana concert film. Ultimately, I went with this. While sitting through the concert’s music would be awful, at least you don’t have to see Billy Ray Cyrus trying to act. Unless you’re Roman Polanski, there’s absolutely nothing redeeming about this film.
Cool as Ice – 1992
This film might be the worst music-promoting crossover film in history, especially considering the star, Vanilla Ice, was already on his 13th minute of fame when it was released. But to be honest, I’m glad it was made, if for no other reason than saying “dump that zero and get with the hero” still brings a smile to my face.
Four for Texas – 1963
While this film isn’t a musical, something tells me Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin weren’t chosen for their acting abilities. If you want to blame someone for starting the shitty-musician crossover trend in Hollywood, it should probably be “old blue eyes,” or as I choose to remember him, “Johnny Fontane” from The Godfather. No, he didn’t play Fontane, but the character was supposedly based of him. Now you have another reason to hate the mob.
Clam Bake – 1967
There are dozens of shitty Elvis movies I could have put on this list, but I chose Clam Bake. I’m not sure why. Honestly, any one of them would have worked. And while Bieber’s movie is going to blow goats, I have a hard time believing it will be any worse than this crap.
Please Hammer Don’t Hurt ‘Em: The Movie – 1990
When I woke up this morning, I didn’t even know this film existed. Now I do, and I’m not happy about it. According to IMDB, “MC Hammer returns to his hometown and, with the help of some funky tunes, defeats a druglord who is using kids to traffic his stuff.” Who knew that you could use funky tunes to take down a drug lord. Someone get the Mexican Army on the phone! This info will help them turn the tide.