the box opens in theaters this weekend, much to the delight of horny teenage guys who are eager to put irony into action by snickering loudly from the comfort of their local cinemas. But rather than take the low, sweet, moist road of the double entendre, I decided to keep my mind out of the gutter (for the most part). As a result, I’ve come up with a list of 10 literal boxes from film and television that have made a lasting impact in my pathetic little life. Enjoy, and let me know if your favorite storage compartment isn’t on the list.
Dick in a Box Video
The Dick Box
If you had to pick one event that transformed Justin Timberlake from a douche-bag boy bander into a semi-tolerable celebrity, the “Dick in a Box" video would have to be it. He owes a lot to that box, and to Andy Samberg.
The Severed Head Box
The ending of Se7en is a lot like the “Dick in the Box” video. Both scenes feature boxes, and both boxes contain body parts. The only difference is that instead of a comical set of male genitalia the box from Se7en contains Gwyneth Paltrow‘s severed head, which is infinitely funnier than Justin Timberlake’s junk.
We’re not going to bore you with a lot of details, but if you’re not familiar with the Hellraiser series, let me give you some advice. Don’t buy spooky looking puzzles, games, monkey’s paws etc. when traveling abroad. If you do, you run the risk of opening a gateway to a parallel dimension, and having to deal with extra-dimensional beings like the Cenobites. Take it from me, those guys are a bunch of dicks. If you want to solve a puzzle, just get a sudoku book and be done with it.
The Toothy Box
Yeah, this one breaks our promise to keep the vagina references to a minimum. Deal with it.
Truth be told, I never saw this movie about a girl with a vagina full of raiser-sharp teeth. Internet “writers” don’t exactly pull down a lot of strange, and on the rare occasions when we do we don’t need to be worried about getting our junk bitten off by a carnivorous vajayjay. The fear of crabs is bad enough.
Raiders of the Lost Arc
The Arc of the Covenant
There are boxes, and then there are boxes. The Arc of the Covenant is the creme de le creme of permanent storage receptacles. After all, when you’re storing stuff that belongs to God, cardboard ain’t gonna cut it.
Also, it’s Nazi proof.
Snakes on a Plane
Box O’ Snakes
Airport security is on the lookout for bombs, but all their fancy technology can’t detect a box full of snakes.
Don’t take my word for it. Watch this Japanese trailer for Snakes on a Plane and see for yourself.
Box Full of Gremlins
For Hellraiser we warned you about buying strange items when traveling abroad. The same applies for foreign cultures living among us. If a strange old Chinese dude has a box full of mischievous demons, don’t offer to buy it. Just walk away and call the INS ASAP. You’ll be glad you did.
AMERICA FOR AMERICANS!
Not only is Jimmy Woods the Rain Man of 8-bit video games, he’s also totally messed up about the death of his sister. Throughout the film, he only mutters the word, "California." Ever the opportunist, young Fred Savage hauls Jimmy’s ass to the Golden State in order to cash in off his abilities at a massive Nintendo Competition. Once there, Jimmy reveals that’s the location of a family vacation he has taken with sis which was his happiest memory of her. He opens his mysterious lunchbox to reveal a photo from the vacay. Somebody get this Nintendo Savant a photo album for pete’s sake.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
The Dead Man’s Chest
To avoid the pain of a lost love, Davy Jones carved out his still-beating heart and buried it in a chest. A guy I went to high school with did the same thing. Of course he didn’t use a knife, he used a gun, and he used it on his brain, not his heart. But just like the movie, it was buried in a box…along with the rest of him.
Chandler’s Thanksgiving Box
Through a series of zanny misadventures regarding a friendship betrayed, Chandler makes Joey mad. To make up for it, Chandler agrees to spend Thanksgiving in a box. Oh “Friends,” you’re so comically situational!
Honorable Mention: Man in the Box
Of all the boxes on this list, none is more depressing than Greg’s cold soul-sucking office cubical. Luckily Greg’s wit and sarcasm keeps him from killing himself and others.
Soccer Game Cat Fight (Video)
Ghostbusters Proton Pack
Missy R. Pics
Hollywood’s Hottest Sisters