Worst Movies Ever

Sunday, April 17 by Stephen Lloyd

There have been more films that qualify for potentially being the worst movie ever, rather than the best movie ever. These cinematic turds display bad acting, cheesy special effects, poor cinematography, bad soundtracks and horribly written scripts, and thus constitute some of the of the worst movies ever made.

  1. "The Final Sacrifice." Qualifying for worst movie ever from Canada, this is an action flick with some ill-defined supernatural elements. An effeminate teenager gets mixed up in a cult's plot to rule the world. He and a former cult member take on the cult's leader, who has a Darth Vader rip-off voice.
  2. "The Galaxy Invader." A reptilian alien crash-lands on Earth and loses a powerful orb. Drunk rednecks find it and try to make money from it. But the alien is after them and they're after it like they're hunting a critter. One of the actors can't even keep his accent straight throughout the movie.   
  3. "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed-Up Zombies." A carnival goer is mesmerized by a stereotypical gypsy woman, but criticizes her skills and later goes on a killing spree. Obviously there was not enough material for a whole movie as lengthy, unnecessary dance numbers occur throughout.
  4. "The Barbaric Beast of Boggy Creek II." A college professor takes his students into the wilderness looking for a bigfoot-like creature. However, the plot is entirely too convoluted and isn't resolved well. Colorful characters like hillbilly Old Man Crenshaw, who's not actually that old, and a couple of bratty "hot chicks" round out this flop.
  5. "Manos: The Hands Of Fate." This is the worst movie ever in terms of production value. Its beyond amateurish look is because the director/producer/writer had never made a film before and did this one as part of a bet. The plot is little better, about a family that gets lost on vacation, trapped and tortured in a house by a devilish cult leader.
  6. "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians." This is the worst movie ever to feature Santa. The Martians, who look exactly like humans except for silly hats, are worried about their children watching too much Earth TV. A wise sage says this is because the Martian children need a Santa-like figure in their lives. So some decide to abduct Santa Claus.
  7. "Mesa Of Lost Women." The soundtrack, a nearly constant, and bad, flamenco-style guitar riff pervades the movie like buzzing bees, drawing too much attention to itself. It also wins the prize for most implausible science. A mad scientist grows giant spiders with human intellect, superwomen with regenerative powers and ugly, dwarf men, the latter two a melding of spiders and humans.
  8. "Plan 9 From Outer Space." Some of the worst movies ever come from writer/director Ed Wood. The nuclear disarmament message in this movie is good, but everything else doesn't back it up. Aliens, who once again look like humans, visit Earth to stop humans from creating a doomsda weapon. They raise the dead as zombies to do their bidding. The special effects are especially bad as the flying saucer looks like painted cardboard on a string.
  9. "The Brain That Wouldn't Die." This is still one of the worst movies ever but does contain some scenes of genuine eeriness, but in the end there is too much goofy science and over-the-top dialog. A woman is decapitated in a car accident. Her scientist fiance manages to keep her head alive, and later decides to murder a beautiful woman in order to get a new body to go with his girlfriend's head.
  10. "Gigli." This is the worst movie of the 21st century. Aside from the ambiguously-pronounced title, its about low-level mobsters trying to kidnap the handicapped brother of a federal prosecutor. The problem is that "Gigli" doesn't know what it wants to be, jumping from a "Rain Man" rip-off to romantic comedy, both with melodramatic, disorganized scenes. 

                                                                                                                                                                                                               -Stephen Lloyd

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