What We’d Like To See From ‘Hip Hop Squares’

Tuesday, April 24 by
Hip Hop Squares 

A few weeks back, MTV announced that they would be reviving the 1980’s TV game show Hollywood Squares. But rather than filling the stacked boxes with “celebrities” like Jim J. Bullock and Shadow Stevens (whoever the hell they are), they are gonna cram that tic-tac-toe board full of rappers.

This is a phenomenal idea, because it basically boils down to “rappers are going to tell you something, and you have to say to their face if you think they’re lying.” Under no circumstances do I foresee this show being anything but a beautiful trainwreck. Because, when you think about how little the celebrities involved in the original Hollywood Squares gave a shit about the show, then consider that they’re being replaced with RAPPERS, you can’t help but get a big-ass smile across your face.

Just like the its parent program, Hip Hop Squares isn’t exactly getting A-listers to sit in on the show. A recent New York Times visit to the set offered a picture of the nine “squares,” the list is as follows:

Childish Gambino (Community’s Donald Glover)
Fat Joe
Mac Miller
Tech N9ne
DJ Khaled
Ghostface Killa
Donnell Rawlings
MGK
Kat Graham

Contestants will be counting on the knowledge of this man, Mac Miller.

I know who six of these people are, and only care about two of them (Glover and Ghostface), which is probably for the best. This isn’t the type of show you tune into to see Fat Joe try to trick a contestant into believing that Portugal is a province of Spain. This is a show you watch to witness Fat Joe do something stupid and irrational, like try and throw something at a contestant from his perch on the top right of the board.

Dissecting the show itself is pretty stupid, because it’s a what-you-see-is-what-you-get type of endeavor. What’s more interesting is a) trying to determine who thought this program would be a good idea, b) why someone thought this program would be a good idea, and c) all the awesome stuff that could happen on this show.

Oh, now is probably the right time to mention that the celebrity squares are actually encouraged to drink before the taping.

BUT WHAT IF THEY HAVE ERRANDS TO RUN LATER ON THAT DAY?

Mr. McConaughey won't be on the show. Just making sure you're paying attention.

Despite the fact that the show is on MTV, and the production values seem to be pretty high, the contestants can only really win a few hundred dollars on a show, which for some reason makes the show feel even more fly-by-night than it actually is.

While I don’t have the access (or inclination, honestly) to determine what mentally unstable MTV exec hell-bent on getting fired greenlit this show, nor the mindset of the offending party, I do have the wherewithal to suggest a number of scenarios that could play out, leaving me with a warm feeling inside the cockles of my heart.

Yup. Cockles.

Scenario #1: Fat Joe reveals an astounding knowledge of Eastern European history by correctly informing a contestant that Budapest was results from the unification of two separate cities, Buda and Pest, via the Szechenyi Chain Bridge, the name of which he is able to pronounce in a virtually flawless Hungarian accent.

The Budpest Baths, a place Fat Joe may or may not be familiar with.

After the contestant agrees with him, Fat Joe celebrates by firing a pistol into the air several time, then slurring the phrase “Fuck the haters.”

Scenario #2: Bottom right square Mac Miller informs the contestants and host Peter Roseberg that he would gladly change spots with them so he could catch a glimpse of Lil’ Kim in the top center square and “see dem titties.”

Scenario #3: Xzibit pimps out his square with a fern and a goldfish bowl.

Scenario #4: The pilot episode needs to be reshot after all nine entries fail to demonstrate even a basic grasp of the premise of tic-tac-toe.

Scenario #5: Any celebrity participant makes history by correctly answering a question while receiving a blow job from some chickenhead.

You get the idea. Unfortunately, MTV rarely allows such colossal screw-ups to occur, preferring their shows to end with a dull fizzle, rather than an explosion. Consequently, while we hope for Armageddon, we’ll probably be left with more mumbling, bleeped profanity, and general nonsense than anything else.

Maybe, just maybe, if we’re lucky, we’ll get one rapper climbing up to another rapper’s square affording the latter the opportunity to “say it to his face.”

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