What Not To Expect: 8 Actresses Ruined By Pregnancy

Friday, May 18 by
Kiss your shoes goodbye, girls. 

What To Expect When You’re Expecting opens this weekend, and a wave of dangerous female body dysmporphia will no doubt follow. The film champions pregnancy as a magical and rewarding experiencing without adequately representing the counter argument of ‘Yuck!’ Nor does it mention that your feet grow, forcing you to throw out your shoe collection. You also get bad diarrhea and a room full of strangers sees your vagina.

Still don’t believe us? As a service to our female readers, we’ve compiled this list of actresses ruined by their pregnancies. Plan accordingly ladies.

Jessica Alba

Jessica Alba hasn’t racked up the movie roles since giving birth to her first daughter four years ago. You may be inclined to blame that on The Love Guru but I think it’s clear what happened here. Having a child ruined her.

Take the above photo from the January 2012 issue of InStyle Australia for instance. Note the fatigue in the mother of two’s hair. No doubt the result of getting two hours of sleep a night. It’s safe to say had she not become a mother, she’d be able to make it into the American version of InStyle and The Love Guru would have Oscars.

Heidi Klum

Supermodel and mother of four, Heidi Klum, appeared naked in the May 2012 issue of Allure and the results weren’t pretty. Would you look at that? Having children completely drained her vibrancy and color. Now she’s forced to always appear black and white. It’s sad.

Angelina Jolie

Now Angelina Jolie had the right idea. Rather than beat the sh*t out of her womb with needless sucklings, the beauty decided to adopt her children, thus providing for her maternal instincts without depriving the world of watching her raid tombs in tight outfits. However, even the sweetest dreams must flicker away and give way to the harsh light of reality.

Jolie threw her body in the toilet in 2006 when she conceived her first biological child with Brad Pitt. The couple went on to have a pair of twins together two years later. Earlier this year Jolie drew a lot of ridicule for her awkward leg pose while presenting at the Academy Awards. Those critics will feel terrible to hear that after giving birth to three children (two at the same time), Jolie’s hips are 100% dislocated irreparably. This happens all the time with pregnancies.

Bridget Moynahan

Since being stricken pregnant in 2006, Bridget Moynahan has broken up with Tom Brady, acted inBattle: Los Angeles, and found love with McG. I hate it when bad things happen to good people.

Rebecca Romijn

Rebecca Romijn began a successful career as a model with Sports Illustrated and Victoria’s Secret at the barely legal age of nineteen. Since that time she has gone on to achieve international fame as an actress with success across several genres. All that hard work for nothing.

Romijn now plays mom to the twins she had with actor Jerry O’Connell. As you can see from her pictures in the March 2012 issue of Fitness Magazine, she’s still in amazing shape. HOWEVER, what is deal with the pinky on her left hand?

That’s tiny even by pinky standards. It more than likely can be linked to the stretching of her birth canal. Way to ruin it for the rest of us, Jerry.

Elizabeth Hurley


It can be argued that Elizabeth Hurley is enjoying a career resurgence since giving birth to her son ten years ago. She starred recently on Gossip Girl as an attractive cougar hopping into bed with younger men and is also a successful swimwear designer. Designs which she models herself. Well, let’s not get all caught up in how wonderful and sexy she looks. Fact remains, this woman once had another life growing inside of her. Repulsive.

She also told British magazine Zest that she eats three times as much as her beau, Australian spin-bowler Shane Warne. I don’t know what spin-bowling is but I bet it requires excessive calories be burned. What hunger did that childbeast leave behind in you, Elizabeth?

Halle Berry


There was once a time that just saying the name “Halle Berry” would cause men to drop to their knees and ejaculate uncontrollably before drifting into a dissociative fugue state. That time was 1991 – 2008. In 2008, Berry gave birth to a little girl. Since then her career and image have been beaten by a burlap sack stuffed with feces. Metaphorically.

However, you can see the toll that child-rearing has had on her looks. Note the slimy green substance that now oozes from her pores and scalp. How far she has fallen.

Rosario Dawson


Wait. She doesn’t have a kid? Then where the Hell has she been?