Reports surfaced today that NASA has found a new planet 600 light years away that may have life on it. The planet, Kepler-22b, is about twice the size of Earth, and is located in the "Goldilocks zone," an area in orbit with temperatures that would allow for surface water. Liquid water means the ability to support life.

This leads me to three questions. 1) Who lives on this planet? 2) Do they intend to eat us? 3) If not, are they delicious?

The way I see it, the life on this planet could be anything, but here are seven very real options. We need to get to know our enemy before we travel 600 light years to f##k their shit up.


We can't assume that the lifeforms on this weird, new Super Earth look and sound like we do. That would be arrogant. However, that's not to say that we can't learn about our own humanity from their civilization. Should the planet be overrun with talking apes, NASA's scouts will have to be careful not to be caught and imprisoned. Better bring an ape mask like the one Danny McBride wore in 30 Minutes or Less just in case.

Amazon Women

Should scientists discover that the planet could be inhabited by a race of sexy, Amazon warrior women, I'd like to volunteer for the mission. It will be a big sacrifice and I'll miss my life here on Earth, but you see, I grew up mere miles from two all-female colleges and still had a tough time getting any. I'm owed this.


Explorers need to be very alert and never let their guards down. They may arrive during the day to find a completely deserted planet. However, that is no excuse not to be weary. Who knows what could come out at night. Perhaps space vampires or werewolves or reptiles or third-shift janitors. Be sure to pack flares.


It's very likely that the beings on this planet are like us. If so, they probably like to eat mozzarella sticks while looking at the hat Humphrey Bogart wore in The Desperate Hours. If they're half the capitalists that we are, they've likely got chain restaurants owned by celebrities as well. Otherwise, all of the restaurants probably just look like this.

Nude Beachgoers

Where there are oceans, there are beaches. It only stands to reason that these could be nude beaches. Though they aren't so common here on Earth, Kepler-22b seems like a pretty chill place, and may be a lot more lax about nudity and public exposure than we are. It's like Europe: The Planet.

Man-Eating Aliens

This is the worst thing we have to fear -- creatures that might want to eat us. They could be snarling alien beasts, giant bugs, or even dinosaurs. We need to go in their with weapons locked and loaded. Should the alien menace prove to strong, we have a second wave waiting to nuke them from orbit. I'm pretty sure that's what happened to our dinosaurs.

Man-Eating Alien Ghosts

What could be scarier than a man-eating alien? How about the ghost of a man-eating alien? Here on Earth we expel our ghosts with incense, prayer, and calm reasoning. I doubt that works on alien ghosts. Besides, prayers vary from solar system to solar system. I guess the bigger question is, "Why do these ghosts want to eat us so badly?" It won't keep them alive. If it's an oral fixation, they should just take up smoking or something.

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