What Could Be Living On The Newly-Discovered Planet, Kepler-22b?

Tuesday, December 6 by
Now we have some place to send criminals. 

Reports surfaced today that NASA has found a new planet 600 light years away that may have life on it. The planet, Kepler-22b, is about twice the size of Earth, and is located in the “Goldilocks zone,” an area in orbit with temperatures that would allow for surface water. Liquid water means the ability to support life.

This leads me to three questions. 1) Who lives on this planet? 2) Do they intend to eat us? 3) If not, are they delicious?

The way I see it, the life on this planet could be anything, but here are seven very real options. We need to get to know our enemy before we travel 600 light years to f##k their shit up.


We can’t assume that the lifeforms on this weird, new Super Earth look and sound like we do. That would be arrogant. However, that’s not to say that we can’t learn about our own humanity from their civilization. Should the planet be overrun with talking apes, NASA’s scouts will have to be careful not to be caught and imprisoned. Better bring an ape mask like the one Danny McBride wore in 30 Minutes or Less just in case.

Amazon Women

Should scientists discover that the planet could be inhabited by a race of sexy, Amazon warrior women, I’d like to volunteer for the mission. It will be a big sacrifice and I’ll miss my life here on Earth, but you see, I grew up mere miles from two all-female colleges and still had a tough time getting any. I’m owed this.

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