We Ranked Nic Cage’s Remakes & Sequels In Order Of Watchability

Tuesday, February 21 by
Ugh... 

If you were to throw a brick of cocaine, a 10 gallon bottle of battery acid, and the remains of John Wayne Gacy into a concrete mixer, then rig that concrete mixer with 100 pounds of C4, the resulting explosion would be roughly the equivalent of what runs through Nicolas Cage’s mind on a daily basis. The man is Hollywood’s answer to the current employment crisis in America, and would appear in your high school‘s Sexual Education PSA if the money was right.

The beast that is Nic Cage has acquired a taste for remakes, and every so often, a sequel. So with Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance shitting it’s way into 3rd place at the box office this past weekend (and claiming a 15% score on Rotten Tomatoes), we decided to have the Screenjunkies interns scan through his IMDB page so we could rank movie remakes and sequels in order of worst to best. The following list is dedicated to the interns who starved to death before they could make it to the bottom.

KILL IT WITH FIRE – The Wicker Man

Little can be said about a movie in which Mr. Cage viciously strikes a woman while wearing a bear suit, but we’re going to try nonetheless. Aside from the rampant acts of chauvinistic brutality that are depicted in the remake of Robin Hardy’s 1973 classic, 2006’s The Wicker Man featured perhaps the worst performance of Cage’s career, and that is saying something. Five Razzie nominations and a box office disaster later, the film would forever cast its star into a purgatory known as the internet meme from which he shall never truly return. If you ever find yourself within 25 yards of this movie, don’t stop running until you reach the CDC.

Stay the Hell Away From – Bangkok Dangerous

Back in 2008, Nicolas Cage skinned a dead raccoon that he found outside of his vacation home in Birmingham, Alabama. As a joke, he put it on his head and walked onto the set of Bangkok Dangerous. Nobody said a word, and four years later he has yet to take it off. More people enjoyed getting the Swine Flu than they did watching this remake of a 1999 Thai thriller, which scored a 9% on the Tomatometer. Sadly, this would not be Nic Cage’s worst rated film.