With all of the excitement of the Oscars this past weekend, everybody nearly missed this week's instance of Kate Upton taking off her shirt. Well, that's why we're here. To serve as a net that catches all good chunks of life blown across oblivion.

Upton stars in the latest Carl's Jr. ad. These ads have become an institution, featuring an impossibly hot celebrity eating the diarrhea-inducing sandwiches in the most softcore way possible. Like pin up girls getting down on some fast food.

Critics of these ads feel these advertisements are in extremely bad taste as they reduce women into nothing more than props bent and manipulated for male entertainment. Props that we can now compare to one another and evaluate. And such, here are the five hottest Carl's Jr ads ranked in order of hottest to most tame.

Kate Upton

Kate Upton deserves an award. All the awards actually. With her new Carl's Jr ad she lifts the series out of a dark place where it had previously run a ground. Wearing this tiny polka dot dress, she bites into a spicy Carl's Jr sandwich at the drive-inn. The resulting place causes her to writhe around and strip in the car's backseat. Not in a "Hey, we better call 9-1-1" kind of way, but in a "Hey, I should be using my camera phone right now," kind of way.

My only question though is, why would this girl have to take herself out on a date?

Watching this at the Internet Cafe will get you:

6 out of 6 craned necks.

Ms. Turkey

The only thing more disgusting than a turkey burger is a turkey burger from a fast food joint. Still, there's nothing disgusting about this ad for the Carl's Jr. turkey burger featuring the actual Ms. Turkey, Gizem Memiç. Wearing a bikini embroidered with tiny turkey burgers, Memiç turns heads poolside, just like the turkey burger turns stomachs.

5 out of 6 turkey necks.

Paris Hilton

You may see fit to argue that Paris Hilton shouldn't be near the top of a sexy list, but in this case it is warranted. Yes. She's facing some very strong competition but she's really the only one who totally cut loose in her commercial. The crawling on cars, spraying the hose, and the suds add up to a pretty hot series of images. And most importantly, no talking.

4 out of 6 awkward glances.

Kim Kardashian

While this commercial is light on flesh, it is heavy on suggestion. The tight close-up of Kim Kardashian biting into a honey-dipped apple is enough rank it exactly in the middle. Here they found the right balance and appropriate way of splitting the difference between making them do hot things and letting them talk.

Watching this at the Internet Cafe will get you:

3 out of 6 second glances.

Audrina Patridge

First off, I've just got to give credit where fair credit is due. The producers of this commercial starring Audrina from The Hills got it right when they stripped her down to a gold bikini. Great job with that. But, you've gotta try to take it farther. Didn't you have any suntan lotion that could be smeared into her or ice cubes to melt over parts of her? It's like you really expect us to look at the sandwich.

Watching this at the Internet Cafe will get you:

2 out of 6 raised eyebrows.

Padma Lakshi

Ummm, what? It's just shots of Padma shopping for rabbit turd and then slowing eating a bacon-burger while sitting on the set of 227. Trust me. It sounds a lot hotter on paper.

Watching this at the Internet Cafe will get you:

Nary a look.

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