We Got An Early Copy Of The Wayans Family Christmas Card
Just kidding. Those gals marry so many black guys we can’t help but love ‘em!
Let’s see what’s going on with the family:
[caption id="attachment_231518" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="Look out, Kim! Little Man's behind you!"]
Kim has largely shunned the limelight in recent years. (Or has the limelight shunned her? LOL! JK, Kim!!!!) Her last endeavor was a series of children’s books that follow a girl who makes the leap from being homeschooled to life at public school. The series was titled Amy Hodgepodge, and received critical acclaim for many sources.
I know I’m not alone in the family when I say that these books fell flat. The character wasn’t ridiculous or in-your-face at all, and the books were made with the involvement of only one Wayans – Kim. When I learned this, I was skeptical that a Wayans could undertake a project with out the help of myriad other Wayanses.
I think the involvement of myself and, I dunno, let’s say Damon, could have made these books way better. We still talk to Kim, but things aren’t the same.
[caption id="attachment_231516" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="Fresh!"]
Shawn had a VERY eventful year. You may remember that Shawn got his start as DJ SW-1 on In Living Color. Well, since his Little Man days appear to be well behind him, he’ taken up the 1’s and 2’s again, DJing at clubs across the nation. His career was looking very promising, as he had scored an opening spot at this year’s Electric Daisy Carnival in Las Vegas. However, as you might have read, there was an altercation at Light in Las Vegas the night before and Shawn was arrested, but not charged for trying to assault Tyler Perry with a bottle of Ciroc Vodka.
Shawn would like to use this opportunity to say that the attack WAS provoked, contrary to every eyewitness account, though he won’t specify what TP said. Shawn recently got his 30-day chip from anger management class and is looking forward to resuming his club DJ tour as soon as he’s allowed to be near alcohol again.
[caption id="attachment_231517" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="Marlon's baby picture! Just kidding. It's Little Man!"]
Marlon spent most of 2011 “laying low,” but wants to remind everyone that he had a dramatic role in Requiem for a Dream. Additionally, he spent the past few years starring in a couple films called Marmaduke and G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Maybe you’ve heard of them ;)
These three films are the three most critically praised works that any Wayans has starred in, so suffice it to say that Marlon is sitting pretty. Of course, a film like Marmaduke only comes around once in a generation, so you can’t make lightening strike twice.
Marlon has got a doozy of a project up his sleeve, but I’m not at liberty to say what it is!
OK. One hint.
It’s something he’s working with George Lopez on!!!! (But you didn’t hear it from me!)
[caption id="attachment_231519" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="Jam!"]
Damon’s work recently has proven that you don’t need to be on TBS to get work as a black guy in middle-American entertainment! Though the show has been cancelled, Damon still finds time for “his wife and kids,” despite starring on ABC’s popular program Happy Endings.
You might also be surprised to know that Damon published a very serious book in 2010 called Red Hats. It’s okay that no one else in the family was involved in that project, because it was about a 65 year-old woman who tried to kill herself. Marlon said that he would be happy to co-write the book if they could reveal in the end that the woman was Little Man’s mom, but he said he wanted to go in a different, non-Little Man direction with the story. We don’t agree, but we respect the decision.
[caption id="attachment_231520" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="He's lucky we didn't put up a picture of Judas!"]
Did you even know we had a brother named Dwayne? We do! Dwayne prefers to hang back, out of the spotlight, instead working as a composer on TV shows like Damon’s My Wife and Kids. And he’s a Jehovah’s Witness too! At least, that’s what Wikipedia says. I feel like a bit of a heel finding out the family’s coming and goings through a crowdsourced internet reference tool, but I am not always on the best of terms with some of my siblings.
For instance, after My Wife and Kids was cancelled, Dwayne had to find more work, understandably. I told him that we supported him no matter where he went so long as he stayed a country mile away from that duplicitous son of a bitch Tyler Perry.
Well, what do you think the next piece of news we got from Dwayne was? That’s right. He’s the new musical supervisor for House of Payne. Needless to say, we don’t talk to Dwayne anymore. Damon was nice enough to give him entrée into our world with a job, and Dwayne says “thank you” by defecting like a North Korean pilot.
Someone’s on the family’s “naughty” list this year!
[caption id="attachment_231522" align="aligncenter" width="450" caption="And last (but hopefully not least!)...ME!"]
And finally, there’s me. As the de facto “leader” of the Wayans clan, I seem to get tasked with writing the Christmas card year after year. I haven’t had a writing credit to my name since White Chicks, but that’s only if you don’t count these Christmas, excuse me, HOLIDAY cards, which require about five months of research and two months of writing. Seriously. I have so many f*ckin brothers and sisters you wouldn’t believe how much work this is.
I don’t have anything on the horizon right now, but as soon as I get these HOLIDAY cards posted, I’ll probably huddle up with Marlon and shit out some movie about a dog who’s actually a black guy or a black guy that thinks he’s a senator or a giraffe or something.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE WAYANSESES!!!!!