We Cast The ‘Hunger Games’ With Real Child Stars

Friday, March 23 by

The Hunger Games is poisd to take over the box office this weekend with some projecting an opening of $150 million. It’s a foregone conclusion that we’ll see sequels based upon the other entries in Suzanne Collins‘ book series. What then? How do you keep children killing one another in a contest to the death interesting? You bring in the big guns, that’s how.

And so, we’ve taken the liberty of drawing the names for our very own version of The Hunger Games — the child star version. May the odds be forever in their favor.

Vinnie Delpino vs. Kubiak

Our first match-up is the child actor version of David v. Goliath. Doogie Howser’s fast-talking Vinnie Delpino against Parker Lewis Can’t Lose’s giant terror, Kubiak. Larry Kubiak is obviously the stronger of the two combatants. There’s no doubt about that. He’s stuffed many a student into a locker in his day, and could easily stuff Vinnie into his own asshole without breaking a sweat.

However, Vinnie isn’t without his own strengths. He towers over Kubiak in terms of cunning and could easily lure him into a trap. If the odds are in his favor, the Gamemakers will provide him with a paper bag, a black marker, and an explosive device. Then he only need to place the explosive within the bag, scrawl “Larry’s Lunch” (preferably misspelled) across it and leave it in an opening where Kubiak will find it. But if he’s discovered by Kubiak while holding that bag, it’s game over for Vinnie.

Advantage: Kubiak

Lucy Diamond Dawson vs. Thomas J. Sennett

Lucy Diamond Dawson is wise beyond her years. She has to be. As the young daughter of I Am Sam, she’s the decision-maker in the family. She makes sure her dad stays out of trouble and doesn’t feed her cake frosting for breakfast. She’s a lot like Katniss Everdeen in this way.

Likewise, My Girl’s Thomas J. Sennett can easily be compared to Peeta Mellark. He’s shy and unpopular, but thoughtful and caring. However, he’s allergic to bee stings. I can see him having big trouble when Tracker Jackers are introduced into the game.

Advantage: Lucy Diamond Dawson

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