Tom Cruise: A History of Implausible Sex Scenes

Tuesday, September 20 by

The Firm

This is as close as we could get to Mitch McDeere having sex.

This scene, in which Tom Cruise’s Mitch McDeere makes love to a prostitute planted on the beach is more than a little unrealistic, if only because WHO THE HELL SLEEPS WITH A CARIBBEAN STRANGER ON THE BEACH WITH NO CONDOM?

I don’t care how much rum he threw back, there’s a clear line, and that line is drawn at “hot girls getting beaten up on the beach then suddenly jumping a stranger’s bones.” They should do a sequel that opens up with Mitch McDeere having to explain to his wife that not only was he unfaithful, but she might, just to be safe, get tested, because Mitch may or may not have something called Caribbean SuperHerpes, which is no walk in the park.

Also, in the book, McDeere never tells his wife about the tryst, which is WAY more believable.

Eyes Wide Shut

[We can’t post the clip because it features Nicole Kidman’s breasts, but if you can handle them, it’s available right here. ]

Of course, we don’t see the sex in Eyes Wide Shut, so we’re left to assume. Clearly, Stanley Kubrick shot the film in such a way that we are to believe that their caressing and kissing in front of the vanity led to coitus.

I don’t believe that. I believe that Tom Cruise’s notion of sex with his wife Nicole consisted of gentle necking while standing, then a big yawn, and a dismissive, “That was great! I’m beat!,” which wouldn’t have fit the tone of the movie that well. Or maybe it would have.

Cocktail

He and Elizabeth go from making out naked under a waterfall, which is actually quite believable, to laying down by a fire later that night, ostensibly making love with the penetration and the orgasms and the what-have-you. Both scenes are soundtracked by Jimmy Cliff’s “Shelter of Your Love,” which leads me to believe that the latter scene is a continuation of the former. Judging by the light in the sky when they start, and the pitch-blackness of the end, they were going at it for 5 hours, easy, stopping only to build a fire.

I believe that Tom Cruise and Elizabeth Shue could have sex for five hours. Actually, I know for a fact Elizabeth Shue can. But I don’t believe that Tom Cruise’s character is capable of making a campfire. He’s a college boy from NYC. He can’t build a campfire. Which means she built the campfire. And that would be so emasculating that she would be turned off and he wouldn’t be able to perform.

So this sex could have never happened.

 Vanilla Sky Gets It Right

Now, that’s not to say there aren’t realistic depictions of Tom Cruise sex in film. For instance, Cameron Crowe takes a mulligan in Vanilla Sky and nails it. Or so I would assume.

The above clip is EXACTLY how I imagine sex with either Tom Cruise or Cameron Diaz would be. Lots of anger, Tom screaming, “What is happening?” and CD laughing maniacally while crying, all culminating in a loss of life.

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