Tips For Surviving The Great Porn Shutdown Of 2011

Tuesday, August 30 by
Pornography 

On Monday, an unidentified Los Angeles porn actor tested positive for HIV. In order to mitigate the risk to adult actors and actresses, adult film productions across Los Angeles and the San Fernando Valley have shut down as a precautionary measure until the results can be confirmed and steps can be taken to ensure the containment of the infection.

Sooooooo, it looks like we’ll be without porn for a little bit. Which is unfortunate, because if you’re anything like me, you’re going through it as fast as they’re making it. So this shutdown is going to leave us with a lot more time on our hands and a lot less of something else on them.

We’ve assembled a list of suggested activities and recommendations to see your way through the shutdown. Who knows? Maybe you’ll emerge from this stronger and better than you were before.

Because, honestly, you’re pretty weak and awful going into it.

15. See if Gangs of New York and Mary J. Blige’s What’s the 411? synch up the way Dark Side of the Moon and The Wizard of Oz do.

14. Do some hand exercises to restore symmetry to your forearms.

13. Read The Help. I seriously have heard nothing but good things.

12. If you’re the porn actor in question, hunker down. You have some really unpleasant phone calls to make.

11. Try sitting on your hand and doing other things with your “stranger” hand, like writing a poem. Make it so it feels like someone else is brushing your teeth.

10. Just…just f*ckin’ drink, man.

9. Use your open schedule to go out and have sex with a girl. It’s not as easy as it is portrayed in porn films, but it’s really not that hard.

8. Try masturbating to something decidedly non-pornographic and time yourself. Does it take longer to climax while watching a Hispanic gardening crew or a blimp? Are your orgasms more intense in a drive-thru car wash than they are while you stare at a dog on a skateboard? You’ll find out!

Believe it or not, this joke was a lot more offensive before my editor made me change it.

7. Find another outlet for your frustrations. Instead of watching porn, step outside and berate a homeless person for being so poor.

6. Spend some time getting to know that girl chained to your radiator. Does she like Josh Groban?

5. Shave your body bare. Don’t look at me like that. Just do it. It will be…funny.

4. Discover how much more efficient it is typing with two hands. Capital letters and symbols are no longer the obstacles that they once were!

3. Go to a strip club and see how trying to bed porn stars in real life works out for you. No. Seriously. I’m sure you’ll be knee-deep in p*ssy in no time. You got this, buddy.

2. See what else is on the Internet. I heard there’s a site about sports, but I haven’t been able to find it.

1. Treat yourself to a good cry. It can be really therapeutic. NOTE: Do not masturbate during your cry. That would creep the hell out of anyone who ever managed to find out about it.

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