These Movie Space Colonies Are No Where You’d Want To Call Home

Monday, September 24 by Frost

Colony in Space

Home is where your spaceship crashes. No matter how new a planet is to you, you’re eventually going to tire of having to see Ewoks playing catch all day or giant murderous space butterflies trying to mate with you whenever you have to run to the outhouse. Stay planet-side and let those who haven’t learned from the plethora of killer alien movies venture out into the darkness as you remain safe while watching these movie space colonies that are nowhere you’d want to call home.



Not your average mining space colony, “Outland” has plenty of murder, moon meth and even space prostitution for that added bit of human interest. O’Niel is a federal marshal on Jupiter’s moon, where a titanium mining operation is going a bit bloodier than usual. You could put up with the murder and the meth, but no one should be forced to play racquetball, especially in space. O’Niel uses it as a form of terrible torturous interrogation.

Highlander II: The Quickening”.

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	This film sucker punched a cult classic with a sequel that for some reason needed to eliminate the interesting immortality of a rare few by creating a freaking planet filled with alien <a href='' class='linkify' target='_blank'>immortals</a>. “Highlander II: The Quickening” has <span data-scayt_word=Conor Macleod as a scientist who saved Earth, but is now content to complain of joint pain while chasing back shots of Metamucil. Lucky for him, a couple of his alien brethren fail to assassinate him, and he’s back to full strength again. While the immortals get explained away as being an alien race from the planet Zeist, the real punch comes in a scene that explains the gathering of immortals in “Highlander” wasn’t for glory or ultimate power, but rather for a ride back home to Zeist, like winning the bloodiest of lotteries.



Space madness and cannibal descendants make for the most unwelcome of awakenings in “Pandorum”. A spaceship colony sent off to begin a new Earth encounters a ton of problems, the least of which being that Earth decided to blow itself up while the inhabitants were in snooze mode. You’ll have ample time to reevaluate how fun a spaceship colony would be as you watch Bower take a nice dip in a pool of blood and bone, created by the mutant cannibal offspring of the crew.



One nation under God can work for some, but when the God part is plural, then life can be harsh as it is in “Stargate”. It gets even worse: the gods are really an enslaving parasitic alien race that uses the bodies of their subjects as their own personal vehicles. It might be time for good old Earthlings to blow those space colonies into dust. Traveling to a far off planet through a stargate seems great, since you get to avoid dreaded space madness and your thousandth freeze dried Tang shake. But when you end up on a planet ruled by jerk aliens, you’d take part in a classic nuking just as O’Neal does when he sends the newly modified nuclear bomb to Ra’s ship as a memorable farewell gift.

District 9”.

District 9

A space colony on Earth for the sickly aliens nicknamed “Prawns” turns into an oppressive ghetto thanks to a serious helping of xenophobia in “District 9”. Earth does look all pretty from outer space with kittens, puppies and cotton candy, but when you get down to it, Earth has a large amount of people who would happily aim a shotgun at an alien and tell them to get off their planet. Nepotism lands the bureaucrat Wilkus a job helping with the transfer of the aliens in District 9 to District 10: calamity, alien understanding, alien betrayal and good old-fashioned trust ensues. If you need more than humans with guns to get you off your fantasy of dropping a space colony on Earth, then just watch the terrible experimentation going on at the MNU research facility until you’re ready to give Neptune another shot.

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