Living in LA, you learn to keep your guard up if your girlfriend or date takes up with an actor. There are rules. First of all, don’t let your girlfriend talk to famous people that are richer and better-looking than you are. However, remember you live in LA, where almost everyone is some combination of more famous/richer/better looking than you. Then move to rule two. Rule two is: Insert yourself into their conversation so that the actor in question knows that you’re her boyfriend and your girlfriend knows that you’re on to her game. It sure as hell won’t change anything, but when they leave together, you’ll sleep easie knowing that you did everything you could.

Well, that’s the real world. Now imagine going up against fictional characters. They’re shrewder and better-looking than real people. You might as well start sobbing now. And keep your girlfriend the hell away from these guys.

6. Aldous Snow – Forgetting Sarah Marshall/Get Him to the Greek

Mr. Snow (Russell Brand) may be the biggest jackass on this list (and this list is rife with jackasses), but he has a very endearing, naïve quality that allows him to steal any woman he wants. He’s pretty much two-for-two, having stolen the titular Sarah Marshall from Jason Segel’s Peter Bretter and banged Jonah Hill’s gf in a bizarre threesome in Get Him to the Greek. If your girlfriend has a pulse and 51% of her limbs, then she’s fair game for Snow.

5. Glenn Guglia – The Wedding Singer

While we don’t see anyone lose their girlfriend to Julia’s fiancé in The Wedding Singer, it’s a foregone conclusion that he will throw back some Alabama Slammers and have his way with her. He’s also the least likely on this list to take “no” for an answer.

I think we all wish that he has taken Robbie’s (Adam Sandler) advice midway through the film and had a few drinks, then driven home.

4. Wooderson – Dazed and Confused

It’s nothing personal. It’s the Wooderson (Matthew McConaughey) way. If (when) Wooderson went after m high school girlfriend, I don’t even think I’d be mad. I’d be all, “That’s our Wooderson! It’s what he does! Psssh! Scoundrel!”

Frankly, if you take issue with your lady sleeping with a mustachioed, toe-headed Matthew McConaughey, just keep her the hell away from him and his moon tower keggers. It’s not like he’s playing his hand close to the vest.

It boils down to this: If Wooderson gets close enough to your girl to bang her, it’s your own damn fault. Seriously. It’s f*ckin’ Wooderson.

3. Sack Lodge – Wedding Crashers

He (Bradley Cooper) cheated on Rachel McAdams. I’m pretty sure that’s a capital offense in Canada. It’s easy enough to hate this guy if he was faithful, but toss in the fact that he’s not, and he’s a borderline subhuman in a Polo shirt. Don’t let the preppy façade fool you. I’m guessing this guy would do some depraved things to any chick he gets in his grasp. He’s like a non-murdering Patrick Bateman (see below).

Also, you might find out from your girlfriend after the fact why they call him “Sack.” My guess? It’s scrotum-related. There’s a reason you never see him riding a bike in Wedding Crashers.

2. Handsome Rob – The Italian Job

If I caught my imaginary unfaithful girlfriend sleeping with Handsome Rob (Jason Statham), I’d be upset, but I’d also understand. As I would expect my girlfriend to understand and forgive if I slept with some chick named Slutty Victoria.

I mean, look at him. It would be like finding out George Clooney slept with your mom. Who do you get mad at in that situation? Your mom? Nope. George Clooney? You know he treated your mom well.

Like the Clooney situation, you expect that your girlfriend will sleep with Handsome Rob, without him having to do much “stealing.” Then you chalk it up to experience and you move on.

1. Patrick Bateman – American Psycho

If your girlfriend slips up and strays with Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale), the Wall Street serial killer from American Psycho, it’s certain that she will wind up with a gaping ax wound in her chest, but not before she gets pinned to the floor with a nail gun.

“Sure, honey. He can be your one free one. Seriously. I won’t be mad.” He will remind her that’s a very nice Chardonnay that she’s not drinking, the drugs will kick in, and she will end up getting killed by him.

Eh. Too harsh. Just keep your girlfriend away from Patrick Bateman. You know what? Keep your girlfriend away from all these guys.