The New ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ Cast: Who Would I Eat First To Stay Alive?

Thursday, January 5 by
When would I eat The Donald? That's none of your damn business. This list is contestants only, weirdo.  

I haven’t eaten lunch today, so the thought of surviving a plane crash in the mountains with the newly-announced cast of the fifth season of NBC‘s Celebrity Apprentice, and being forced to eat them one-by-one to survive, has my mouth watering.

I don’t have an elaborate formula for deciding the order in which I would like to eat these celebrities. I might wish to eat a few of the more delicious ones first, then pepper the bland or stringy ones in the middle, finishing on a strong note. It’s all based on my gut feeling, but I promise to explain my decisions as much as my decisions will lend themselves to explanation.

Let’s eat.

Paul Teutul

I’m really worried about this guy, so I’d like to knock him out first. There’s something about tan, hairy, leathery guys that just kills my appetite. I also think that he works around a lot of chemicals, so I’d rather not have to work my way through all these contestants with the looming concern of Paul Teutul’s toxic meat. I’d rather just get it over with. Also, I would throw him up as soon as I swallowed his flesh. I probably should have started with that caveat.

Aubrey O’Day

The former Danity Kane singer would be like a sorbet. A palette cleanser if you will. While I would initially dive into her after Mr. American Chopper, I wouldn’t eat her all at once. Rather, I would save parts of her to eat after a particularly bad meal. If worse came to absolute worse, and I still needed sustenance after eating all this Celebrity Apprentice meat, I would probably eat her hair. But I really hope I’d be rescued before I had to make that decision.

Cheryl Tiegs

I’m not really old enough have an opinion of this 70’s model one way or the other, so I’d probably just choke her down, and alternate bites of her with bites of leftover Aubrey O’Day to make her more palatable. NBD.

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