The Masterworks Of David Hasselhoff

Friday, June 1 by
Bask in the actor-yness. 

David Hasselhoff is best known for his roles on Knight Rider and Baywatch. This weekend he trades in on his suave lifeguard image in Piranha 3DD. In the film, he parodies his own parodying of himself to play himself cashing in by appearing at the water park where all the girls with double D boobs hang out. It’s the role he was born to play.

In celebration of the Hoff’s triumphant return (premiere?) to the big screen, we’ve decided to explore the thespian’s masterworks. I don’t know whether I should say he’s done it all or there’s nothing he won’t do. Both are compliments, in this sense.

Revenge of the Cheerleaders

In this early role, Hasselhoff hones his craft in the role of “Boner.” The magic starts around the 2:15 mark.

Baywatch: Nights

Baywatch: Nights started out as the sexy, grown-up version of Baywatch. 50-year old lifeguard Mitch Buchanan began moonlighting with his mentor at a private detective agency. Ratings weren’t so good so the premise was tweaked in the second season. Inspired by the success of The X-Files, the show was given a paranormal twist. Somehow or another it was canceled shortly after.

The truth is out there.

Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Before Sam Jackson donned the famed eye patch, it was worn by David Hasselhoff. I’m assuming they cleaned it in between movies. Although that could explain all those varicose eye socket veins Fury was sporting in The Avengers. Don’t f*ck with pinkeye.

Jekyll & Hyde: The Musical

It’s perhaps his most challenging role. Or at least one of the only ones where he was required to wear a top hat. Hasselhoff stars as both Dr. Henry Jekyll and his murderous alter-ego, Mr. Edward Hyde in this Broadway adaptation of Robert Louis Stevenson’s classic story. And it’s two hours and fifteen minutes of this:

There’s only one way to make this show more ridiculous. And it’s this:

Burger

Whether it be performance art, a Carl’s Jr. viral ad, or a desperate cry for help, it’s no understatement that this infamous video remade Hasselhoff’s career. It’s the middle-aged, drunk actor equivalent to a sex tape.

Anaconda III: Offspring

When two gigantic, genetically-enhanced-to-have-knives-for-tails anacondas escape a research facility owned by John Rhys-Davies (naturally), David Hasselhoff is on the case. Here he plays Markos Hammett, a tough-as-nails hunter who is somehow an expert at hunting gigantic, genetically-enhanced-to-have-knives-for-tails anacondas. But does he have his own agenda? Are you actually going to watch it? Because I’ll just tell you if not.

Dancing Ninja

IMDb describes the plot as such: An orphaned boy who dreams of being a ninja arrives in Hollywood to try and find his birth parents, where he gets mixed up in a crime.

Sounds to me like this could be that sequel to Beverly Hills Ninja that is now no longer happening. Too bad too. “Ansel LaDouche” is the role Hasselhoff was born to play. I can see the ascot and everything.

Um… This Thing Where He Played Hitler

He’s really making a go of it over there in Germany.

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