The nice thing about Movies is that they’re not bound by convention. I look at the jum drive sticking out of my computer, and I say to myself, “Penn, that jump drive should not be jammed into someone’s eye socket.”

However, Wesley Snipes’ character in the Passenger 57 sequel (it will happen, I swear to you) would look at that jump drive and say to himself, “That jump drive needs to be jammed in the eye of the corrupt internal affairs agent. I don’t care if it has all my tax return info on it.”

And that’s why movies rule. I don’t fight as much as I’d like to, but I have been raised to believe that if I did, I would only use my hands, legs, and possibly a bottle or knife. Movies have superseded that presumption with the knowledge that pretty much any object in the world can be turned into a weapon if you hit someone hard enough with it.

And that brings us to where we are right now, a list of the most awesome makeshift weapons in film.

9. Chainsaw - Evil Dead II

While a chainsaw is a pretty conventiona weapon, it's decidedly less so when permanently affixed to one's arm, as Ash does in the Evil Dead franchise. I've tried to convince my gardener to do this same thing, but he keeps going on and on about how difficult it would be to hug his kids with a chainsaw attached to one arm. I wish he knew how little I cared about how he hugs his kids.

8. Dildo – Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels

This is supposed to be a device for pleasure, not pain.

In Lock, Stock, Hatchet Harry, in a fit of rage…you know what? Let’s allow Jason Statham’s character Bacon tell the story. It helps if you really imagine it in Statham’s voice:
“Harry didn't think that he did a very good job, so he grabbed the nearest thing to hand, which just so happened to be a 15 inch blac rubber cock, and proceeded to beat poor old Smithy to death with."

Being beaten with a big black dildo sounds like not only a painful way to go, but an undignified one at that. If I’m to meet my maker at the hands of a pornographer, I pray he uses a Fleshlight.

7. 2x4 – Walking Tall

In both the 1973 original and the 2004 remake, the protagonist sheriff asserts control over a town with only a big-stick in tow. More specifically, that stick is a 2x4, and that protagonist sheriff is modeled after Sheriff Buford Pusser, who actually did fight crime and corruption with a giant stick.

However, if you’re as big as The Rock is, whether or not you have a giant stick is kind of a rounding error.

Cheers for the simplicity of the weapon, jeers for those annoying blisters and splinters.

6. Toaster – Suicide Kings

In a bit of a tangent from the A-plot of Suicide Kings, mob lieutenant Lono Veccio (played by Denis Leary) comes to the aid of a family acquaintance only to find that she is being beaten by her drunk stepfather. After laying out a pretty clear parable of how he one day fought back against his own father, Lono is disheartened to see that his story fell on deaf ears with the stepfather’s request to “send the little bitch back in here.” Lono wraps the cord around his hand and beats the stepdad to the brink of death before making his exit.

Apologies but the exact video wasn't available to embed, but can be found right here.

5. Snake – Kill Bill

Unless you’re hiring a reputable hit man, relying on a living thing as a weapon is a pretty risky proposition. So finds out Daryl Hannah’s Elle Driver in Kill Bill Vol. 2. Initially, Elle puts a black mamba into a suitcase when buying The Bride’s sword from Budd. Budd is killed by the snake, but before Elle is able to get out of the trailer containing the snake, she is met by The Bride, who plucks out Elle’s remaining eye, then leaves her, writhing and screaming, waiting to be done in by the snake. Though we don’t see her die, we can assume it doesn’t end well for Elle.

4. Shoe – Austin Powers

The film’s Odd Job knock-off, Random Task, takes a cue from his Goldfinger counterpart, but rather than killing with his hat, he finds a more obtuse method, offing people with a shoe. Yup. A shoe.

And not very gracefully. He just sort of chucks it at them. It makes for high comedy, at least when compared to the hijinks of the actor who played Random Task. In September 2011, Joe Son was convicted of torture in the 1990 gang rape of a woman. He was sentenced to life in prison. Less than a month later, he is accused of killing his cellmate.

Wow. This entry ended on a down note.

3. Rolled-Up Magazine – The Bourne Franchise

The rolled up magazine is the weapon of choice in the Bourne universe demonstrating just how versatile and talented these killers are. They can kill you with an USWeekly, no problem.

Note, I actually tried hitting my friend with a tightly-rolled magazine (I believe it was a Vanity Fair, if that matters), and it failed to do anything other than just really annoy him. Maybe the European editions have thicker stock or something.

2. Fountain Pen – Goodfellas

Don’t bring up Tommy’s days as a shoeshine boy. Trust me. And if you are going to do it, you best not do it repeatedly after he hints at you to stop. Otherwise, you will get stabbed to the brink of death with a very nice fountain pen.

It would make a good ad for Mont Blanc, no?

Poor Billy Batts gets tossed into the trunk of a car, but they open him up to dispose of the body to find that Billy’s still breathing. So they quickly do him in with a more conventional knife. However the fallout from the pen-stabbing is severe. Billy was a made guy, and when the powers that be find out that Joe Pesci’s Tommy DeVito is responsible, they pop him in the back of the head when he’s supposed to be getting his wings.

1. Bowling Pin – There Will Be Blood

When Eli, the preacher from earlier in the film, comes to meet the now-wealthy Daniel Plainview, hat in hand, offering to sell his family’s land, he’s met with the news that his land has already been drained of oil by Plainview. Adding injury to insult, Plainview chases Eli around the mansion’s bowling alley, catching him and beating him to death with a bowling pin.

It’s my understanding that this is why bowling alleys now won’t let you run down to the end of the lanes and remove bowling pins. They are concerned that they could be used to beat members of your bowling party to death.