The 9 Greatest Makeshift Movie Weapons

Wednesday, October 19 by
I would be more intrigued to know what The Rock couldn't use as a weapon. 

The nice thing about Movies is that they’re not bound by convention. I look at the jum drive sticking out of my computer, and I say to myself, “Penn, that jump drive should not be jammed into someone’s eye socket.”

However, Wesley Snipes’ character in the Passenger 57 sequel (it will happen, I swear to you) would look at that jump drive and say to himself, “That jump drive needs to be jammed in the eye of the corrupt internal affairs agent. I don’t care if it has all my tax return info on it.”

And that’s why movies rule. I don’t fight as much as I’d like to, but I have been raised to believe that if I did, I would only use my hands, legs, and possibly a bottle or knife. Movies have superseded that presumption with the knowledge that pretty much any object in the world can be turned into a weapon if you hit someone hard enough with it.

And that brings us to where we are right now, a list of the most awesome makeshift weapons in film.

9. Chainsaw – Evil Dead II

This is supposed to be a device for pleasure, not pain.

In Lock, Stock, Hatchet Harry, in a fit of rage…you know what? Let’s allow Jason Statham’s character Bacon tell the story. It helps if you really imagine it in Statham’s voice:

“Harry didn’t think that he did a very good job, so he grabbed the nearest thing to hand, which just so happened to be a 15 inch blac rubber cock, and proceeded to beat poor old Smithy to death with.”

Being beaten with a big black dildo sounds like not only a painful way to go, but an undignified one at that. If I’m to meet my maker at the hands of a pornographer, I pray he uses a Fleshlight.

7. 2×4 – Walking Tall

In both the 1973 original and the 2004 remake, the protagonist sheriff asserts control over a town with only a big-stick in tow. More specifically, that stick is a 2×4, and that protagonist sheriff is modeled after Sheriff Buford Pusser, who actually did fight crime and corruption with a giant stick.

However, if you’re as big as The Rock is, whether or not you have a giant stick is kind of a rounding error.

Cheers for the simplicity of the weapon, jeers for those annoying blisters and splinters.

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