The 9 Directors Who Should Replace Brett Ratner At The Oscars

Wednesday, November 9 by

Michael Bay

Phillip Seymour Hoffman would present the first award for Best Supporting Actress, only to find out, once he opened the envelope to read the nominees, that a militant Islamic faction had placed a bomb inside the Kodak Theater. Immediately, Nicholas Cage would paraglide in, while a low angle spinning shot of Academy President Tom Sherak reveals that there is a sniper in the balcony. No sooner does he get two shots off, killing Sherak instantly, than Gabourey Sidibe explodes, but not before citing her love of country. Somehow, a Ferrari chase will take place in the aisles of the theater, and the telecast will arbitrarily end.

Further, the 2013 telecast will be filmed back-to-back with the 2012 to save money.

The two productions will cost over $600 million.

Tyler Perry

If you have complained that previous telecasts have been too damn white, you’re not alone. And if you’ve complained that there aren’t enough hulkingblack dudes dressed up as grandmas, you’re also in good company. So why don’t we let TP do his thing. Just think: Tyler Perry Presents The 84th Annual Academy Awards.

This choice could actually be more baffling than David Lynch.

“Why did Scarlet Johansson just scream ‘hallalujer’?”

“Did that black man in the dress and gray wig just slap Michael Caine?”

The entire telecast would be done in about 44 minutes, and, when the dust clears, everyone would feel like they were just preached to about Jesus, even though they can’t put their finger on why.

Guillermo del Toro

Tom Hanks would step out to present the Best Costume Design to someone, and as soon as he said, “Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,” his head would roll off and spiders would come pouring out of his neck. The spiders would then pick up the envelope and take it to Jack Nicholson. Jack would look befuddled, but then the spiders would run up the wall, and arrange themselves in such a fashion that they spelled “READ IT.”

Jack Nicholson would read the nominees and the telecast would get weirder from there.

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