Well, since Brett Ratner’s out as producer of the Oscars, it’s time to find a suitable replacement. Perhaps it was Ratner’s lack of style that made him such an appealing choice. While the show must be a spectacle, it mustn’t bear the hallmarks of the men behind it, rather, letting the nominees, presenters, and awards themselves take the spotlight.

Well, if that’s true, then the following nine directors would just be awful, awful choices to helm the production.

Let me clarify: They would be awful for the tightasses at the academy. I would love it.

David Cronenberg

While Cronenberg doesn’t have any out-and-out hallmarks (just a general darkness and violence in his films), it would still be a blast to see what he would do with the Academy Awards ceremony. Perhaps he'd have one of the presenters betray another, causing a fistfight to break out, and forcing Hugh Jackman to repeatedly smash Halle Berry’s head on the steps until her body stops twitching. Perhaps during dance numbers, a shirtless Viggo Mortensen could idly walk through the production, staring daggers at Adrian Brody.

Tim Burton

Everyone would get super-excited about this year’s telecast being really dark and edgy, but would soon be disappointed to find that Johnny Depp and HBC are phoning it in, all the while realizing that Tim Burton’s not edgy anymore, he’s just kind of bad.

Perhaps the introduction could feature Christopher Walken stepping out in a top hat and spats, welcoming the audience to a “truly macabre finale to awards season.”

Also, everyone that was not a nominee would be dressed like a scarecrow.

David Fincher

Fincher could certainly bring a gritty sensibility to the polished-to-a-fault ceremony. He would find a way to make it rain during the entire telecast onstage, soundtracking even the most jovial moments with a low-fi Dus Brothers score.

Perhaps the telecast would end by focusing on the losers of the Best Picture Oscar, rather than the traditional approach of dwelling on the winner. All lights would be green and blue, and no one would ever laugh, ever.

David Lynch

David Lynch is perhaps the only auteur who could produce a four-hour Oscar telecast only to have the audience say upon its conclusion, “Wait. What just happened? I don’t get it.”

Perhaps nominees and winners could be read by a midget who speaks backwards. The host could be a rotting cow carcass in a feather boa that presenters must address as “the heart of the ceremony.” Winners with overly indulgent acceptance speeches would be played off by cacophonic bass and middle frequencies chosen to make them feel so uncomfortable that they leave of their own accord.

Wes Anderson

Wes Anderson would be the man who takes the Oscars back to playful, giving the ceremony a timeless, placeless feel that makes the film accessible to members of any generation.

First of all, all the films nominated and discussed would be fictional, so as not to date the telecast for future audiences. There would be no references to new technologies. All music would be either deep cuts by the Kinks or the Rolling Stones, and the font of choice for all graphics would of course be Futura.

Again, no one would laugh. The telecast could end with the off-screen death of Billy Crystal, and no one would really be that sad about it.

Paul Greengrass

Greengrass could take his trademarked “shaky-cam” style to give the Academy Awards much more grit. The camera would whip around the winners as they walked from their seats to the stage, resulting in half the audience in attendance excusing themselves to the restroom so that they may vomit.

The ceremony would be billed as “The Realest, Grittiest Oscars Ceremony in Recent History.”

Michael Bay

Phillip Seymour Hoffman would present the first award for Best Supporting Actress, only to find out, once he opened the envelope to read the nominees, that a militant Islamic faction had placed a bomb inside the Kodak Theater. Immediately, Nicholas Cage would paraglide in, while a low angle spinning shot of Academy President Tom Sherak reveals that there is a sniper in the balcony. No sooner does he get two shots off, killing Sherak instantly, than Gabourey Sidibe explodes, but not before citing her love of country. Somehow, a Ferrari chase will take place in the aisles of the theater, and the telecast will arbitrarily end.

Further, the 2013 telecast will be filmed back-to-back with the 2012 to save money.

The two productions will cost over $600 million.

Tyler Perry

If you have complained that previous telecasts have been too damn white, you’re not alone. And if you’ve complained that there aren’t enough hulkingblack dudes dressed up as grandmas, you’re also in good company. So why don’t we let TP do his thing. Just think: Tyler Perry Presents The 84th Annual Academy Awards.

This choice could actually be more baffling than David Lynch.

“Why did Scarlet Johansson just scream ‘hallalujer’?”

“Did that black man in the dress and gray wig just slap Michael Caine?”

The entire telecast would be done in about 44 minutes, and, when the dust clears, everyone would feel like they were just preached to about Jesus, even though they can’t put their finger on why.

Guillermo del Toro

Tom Hanks would step out to present the Best Costume Design to someone, and as soon as he said, “Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,” his head would roll off and spiders would come pouring out of his neck. The spiders would then pick up the envelope and take it to Jack Nicholson. Jack would look befuddled, but then the spiders would run up the wall, and arrange themselves in such a fashion that they spelled “READ IT."

Jack Nicholson would read the nominees and the telecast would get weirder from there.

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