Well, since Brett Ratner’s out as producer of the Oscars, it’s time to find a suitable replacement. Perhaps it was Ratner’s lack of style that made him such an appealing choice. While the show must be a spectacle, it mustn’t bear the hallmarks of the men behind it, rather, letting the nominees, presenters, and awards themselves take the spotlight.
Well, if that’s true, then the following nine directors would just be awful, awful choices to helm the production.
Let me clarify: They would be awful for the tightasses at the academy. I would love it.
While Cronenberg doesn’t have any out-and-out hallmarks (just a general darkness and violence in his films), it would still be a blast to see what he would do with the Academy Awards ceremony. Perhaps he’d have one of the presenters betray another, causing a fistfight to break out, and forcing Hugh Jackman to repeatedly smash Halle Berry’s head on the steps until her body stops twitching. Perhaps during dance numbers, a shirtless Viggo Mortensen could idly walk through the production, staring daggers at Adrian Brody.
Everyone would get super-excited about this year’s telecast being really dark and edgy, but would soon be disappointed to find that Johnny Depp and HBC are phoning it in, all the while realizing that Tim Burton’s not edgy anymore, he’s just kind of bad.
Perhaps the introduction could feature Christopher Walken stepping out in a top hat and spats, welcoming the audience to a “truly macabre finale to awards season.”
Also, everyone that was not a nominee would be dressed like a scarecrow.
Fincher could certainly bring a gritty sensibility to the polished-to-a-fault ceremony. He would find a way to make it rain during the entire telecast onstage, soundtracking even the most jovial moments with a low-fi Dus Brothers score.
Perhaps the telecast would end by focusing on the losers of the Best Picture Oscar, rather than the traditional approach of dwelling on the winner. All lights would be green and blue, and no one would ever laugh, ever.