Hookers are, thankfully, back in the news again after the men tasked with protecting the life of the President of the United States have been accused of consorting with and hiring Colombian prostitutes. While Colombian women certainly raise the bar for beauty, I’m guessing that Colombian hookers probably raise the bar for some other, less-desirable attributes, even by hooker standards.

This whole Secret Service fiasco got me thinking about the grossest hookers depicted in film. Granted, the hookers (both men and women) can still be attractive, but something about them goes above and beyond regular hooker-ish grossness into a new level. Read on and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

Vivian – Pretty Woman

Vivian winds up looking a lot like Julia Roberts towards the end of the film. However, the silver wig, slutty dress, and boots in the front half don’t do much to endear me to her. In fact, she’s a very stereotypical hooker, and stereotypical hookers are gross. It looks as though some light plastic surgery and micro dermabrasion were needed to get to where she ended up.

Unfortunately, you can’t put makeup on cold sores. Well, you can, but it won’t hide them.

Wendy – Breaking Bad

Say what you want about the resident Albuquerque whore in Breaking Bad, but at least she owns her title. She’s a crack whore (or a meth whore) in every sense of the word. She brings virtual no sexuality to her job, which is probably what allows her to be so prolific at it. She's the anti-Pretty Woman. She's Ugly Woman, and she's never going to fall in love with a “client.” Rather, if you tried to kiss her, she wouldn’t tell you about her no kissing rule. She’d probably just clock you in the teeth with a bottle.

Deuce Bigalow – Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo

It’s a hooker that’s also Rob Schneider. Do you need a road map? Also, judging from his first handful of encounters, I can’t imagine that he’s disease-free. Plus, he worked cleaning aquariums before he was a hooker. My guess is that Deuce is a petri dish of microbiotic life. Gross.

Marion – Requiem for a Dream

Jennifer Connelly is one of the most striking women in Hollywood. But when you witness what her character Marion has to endure as a reluctant hooker, all in the name of heroin, she loses all of her appeal right away. She’s a junkie dating Jared Leto. Yuck. I don’t know which aspect of that sentence is the most repulsive, but that doesn’t matter. Avoid this Marion chick at all costs.

And if you are inclined to visit one of the sex shows that she’s in, take a pass. You’d just be feeding her addiction.

Aileen Wuornos – Monster

Now this one…this one is just physically gross. Also, she killed the men that picked her up, but mostly she just looks like an anthropomorphic pimple. It got Charlize Theron an Oscar, but that does nothing for the libidos of American audiences. I would hazard a guess that Aileen’s rates for companionship weren’t all that high.

The cruel irony is that after she found herself on death row, she would have enjoyed astronomical earnings, as men would pay a hefty premium to sleep with a woman who is sentenced to death. The only reason I have for saying that is that I would pay a hefty premium to sleep with a woman on death row. It’s my darkest fantasy. And if that means she has to look like Aileen Wuornos for it to happen, so be it.

Three-Boobed Alien – Total Recall

On paper, I think this sounds like a fine idea, but in practice, it creeps into your mind like so much doubt, whispering “Everything you thought you knew about breasts is wrong.” So she’ll take you out of your comfort zone there, but that’s not where she stops. She also has no problem getting naked and fondled by mutant cabbies in broad daylight. If that’s not the definition of “skanky,” I don’t know what is.

Seriously. The mutant-cabbie-groping thing is skanky as hell.

Joe Buck – Midnight Cowboy

I just have to assume that male hookers are way more skanky than the average female counterpart. Is that sexist? Yeah, probably. But like Rob Schneider, Jon Voight just cannot occupy the part of my mind that recognizes human sexuality.

Further, Joe Buck wasn’t a guy that moved to New York to make it big, then became a hustler. He moved across the country because he was dying to be a hooker. Joe Buck should have known that there’s not much of a market for gigolos that look like Jon Voight.

And as a result, Dustin Hoffman died. Nice work, Joe Buck.