The 7 Rules Of Making A Steven Seagal Movie

Monday, December 5 by
 

ReelzChannel has just acquired its first original scripted seriesTrue Justice starring Steven Seagal as lawman Elijah Kane. Given the title and marquee name, you know exactly what to expect from the series, or at least you SHOULD be able to tell exactly what you can expect. Steven Seagal films have become so interchangeable that they have fallen into the realm of self-parody. Which isn’t cool. Leave the poking fun to us. It’s how we earn our beer money.

Seagal’s projects have become a homogeneous paste where names and locations have been swapped out by using the “find and replace” function in Final Draft. We’ve previously offered Mr. Seagal a few ideas he should use if he wants to shake things up a bit, but it seems that isn’t a concern at this stage of his career. If it isn’t broken in four places, why fix it?

Since he wants to stay on the same path, who are we to argue. Here’s what you need to do to successfully make a Steven Seagal movie.

Make Seagal A Badass

It goes without saying that Steven Seagal’s character must be the biggest badass in the entire film. No, not just the film but the entire universe in which the film is set. A great way to establish his strength is by giving him a strong name. First names like “John” or “Ethan” or “Logan” are your best bet. As far as surnames are concerned, go with something along the lines of “Steele” or “Gabriel” or “Logan.” Any mash-up of the two will work, even Logan Logan.

When his character meets a new person (or is mentioned to a new person) they must stop the momentum of the plot to comment, “Oh. You’re Logan Logan. Yes, I’ve heard of you. You’re that guy who is an expert in all areas of knowledge. Aren’t you also that guy that criminals fear and all women want to be with?” I’m paraphrasing but not by much.

He should always answer these questions with steely resolve or by saying, “Yes. I guess you could say that they know me around here.”

Character Introduction

The only way to introduce Steven Seagal on screen is by showing the man in action, doing what he does best. Which, of course, is getting results… his way. It doesn’t matter if he’s on a stakeout or working deep undercover. If he sees some form of wrongdoing, he must go off-mission to bust heads. For instance, if he’s assigned to protect the president and there’s a purse snatching nearby, he will flee the motorcade to stop the assault.

The result of this rogue behavior will get him in hot water with his boss and put him on the radar of the bad guys, which of course leads to…

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