The 7 Best Fictional Moustaches Of 2012

Wednesday, November 14 by
Party on top, chin on the bottom.  

Merry Movember!!! Or if you’re orthodox, a solemn and dignified Movember. May your moustache light the path of your life until you find whatever it is you’re looking for.

I understand that there are six weeks left in this year. And that two of them fall in the month of Movember. So issuing this list now could prevent us from acknowledging some pretty sweet moustaches. However, I’m excited about Movember, it’s my list, and I don’t want to wait anymore. Maybe we’ll put an addendum out on January 2nd or something.

No. We won’t.

Movember is the month where pubescent men around the world grow a cookie duster on their face to raise awareness for ball and prostate cancer. To show our support, we’ve partnered with the Movember Foundation to grow Mos and raise awareness and funds. So head over to the Break Movember page and show your support.

Ron Swanson – Parks and Recreation

Duh. Swanson wears the moustache without so much as a trace of irony. He simply doesn’t understand why the sweat of a man’s upper lip should go unmapped. Consequently, moustache.

Swanson, as we are all painfully aware, is a man’s man. His moustache harkens less to hipsterism and more to the days when boxers sported big handlebar moustaches, and boxing wasn’t called boxing, but rather “fisticuffsmanship.”

Moustache fact: His moustache enables him to wrestle bears.

Richard Harrow – Boardwalk Empire

Half a moustache is still a moustache, especially if that’s all you can grow. This Boardwalk Empire character’s moustache is half-facial and half-on-a-metal-plate-al. Nevertheless, a disenfranchised war veteran who stands up for his friends and serves as a crack shot definitely deserves a ‘stache.

Moustache fact: Even the moustache drawn on Richard Harrow’s metal plate grows and needs to be shaven as, if not more, often as his regular facial one.

Flanders – The Simpsons

The Simpsons may not have the same relevance it did ten years ago (or even fifteen years ago during the halcyon days), but come on. FLANDERS. As sure as the sun rises in the east, as sure as 49.9% of the country is going to bitch about politics, there will always be a Ned Flanders, and that Ned Flanders will always have a moustache to comfort us and keep us warm, but not in a sexual way, because Flanders is too Christian for that.

Dickie Bennett – Justified

In Harlan, the word “manscaping” doesn’t get bandied about too much, which explains the rather unique appearance of the more homespun characters of Justified. At the top of the pile is Dickie Bennett, who has a very pronounced moustache, but nonetheless caused me to double check with a picture, as he’s got weird hair stuff going on all over his head (and possibly below?). The whole thing is pretty confusing.

He’s got a mullet that you’re just as likely to see at SXSW as you are in a holler shootout. But this is about moustaches. And Dickie’s is awesome.

Ron Burgundy – Anchorman 2

While there were no new Ron Burgundy vehicles this year, ole’ Ronnie got back on Conan to announce that he, Brick, Champ, and Brian were all getting back together, possibly with bits of real panther, for a sequel to the oft-quoted film. Ron’s moustache is a testament to his false bravado as much as Swanson’s is to his sincere bravado.

Nonetheless, with a mauve sportcoat and maroon turtleneck, Ron makes it all work.

Heyyyyyyyy Aqualung!!!!!

Archer (as Burt Reynolds) – Archer

It may have just been an affectation, but an affectation of a Burt Reynolds element of style is powerful enough to knock most non-ironic or aspirational facial hair configurations.

He’s Archer, who’s known for being clean shaven and muscular. With the moustache he’s something else entirely. And that “something else” is “even more awesome.”

James Franco – Daily Life

You can try to argue the point that James Franco is an actual person and not some character created out of his own mind. You can try. And I will listen. But after you’re done. I will ask you to click this link, review the points listed therein, and ask that you come back and reassert your claim that these things could be done by an actual, non-self aware person.

Also, Franco’s got a moustache.

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