Christmas has provided filmmakers with lots of inspiration over the years. We have our classic Christmas specials and films like It's A Wonderful Life, and our terrible attempts like Christmas With The Kranks. But there's another type of Christmas movie out there; films that are just too weird to be bad. They may fall short of genius, but there is a sublime quality to them, a certain something that just needs to be witnessed. Preferably while tanked.

Well, over the last four days, I did some heavy research on the subject, and came up with the following six films.

The Magic Christmas Tree

As you may have gleaned from the title, the family motion picture The Magic Christmas Tree is about a Christmas tree that talks. And since no Christmas family motion picture would be complete without a happy witch, greedy giant, or runaway lawnmower, they have those too. It also features a thrilling scene where Santa Claus is captured. You'll want to see that!


It's really your classic holiday tale. A girl discovers she's the focus of an evil Nazi experiment that involves wicked elves and the selective breeding of a race of super-soldiers. One thing leads to another, and she and her friends are locked in the mall with a killer elf. Only Dan Haggerty's disgraced alcoholic detective turned Mall Santa can put the pieces together and save the day.

George Balanchine's The Nutcracker

Get ready to never sleep again after watching a young Macaulay Culkin prance about the stage in creepy receding hairline makeup while clashing swords with a six-headed rat monster. Somehow, in some way, Michael Jackson is probably responsible for this.

Nutcracker Fantasy

Parents, do you find yourself having trouble getting your little ones to bed down on Christmas Eve? Your worries are over. Just introduce them to the Ragman. It's his job to travel the world in search of children who won't go the f**k to sleep and turn them into rats. Chances are it will make them too scared to fall asleep, but also too scared to risk staying awake. It's the ultimate mind game!

Santa With Muscles

Hulk Hogan stars as a thief with elite training who terrorizes authorities by going postal and blowing up cars with a rocket launcher. That is until a bonk on the head makes him think he's Santa Claus. This convinces him to change his wicked ways and help protect some precocious orphans from the evil scientists that want to take over the world. I'm not sure which novel this is based on.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

In an effort to be cool to their kids, Martian leaders kidnap Santa Claus and bring him to the red planet. However, one Martian is staunchly opposed to the idea and finds Santa to be a distraction. Sensibly, he repeatedly tries to kill him and bathe in his blood. The film was recently crowned as the worst Christmas film ever, which really is a shame. How did it beat Santa With Muscles?

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