Let me begin by wishing all those who observe a solemn, dignified 4/20. This is the highest of high holy days for stoners, so may your observance be filled with Bob Marley, DVR’d episodes of Tosh.0, and perhaps a backyard wrestling tape or two.

Hollywood has given us no shortage of stoners over the past 40 years or so, with the most iconic ones having been inventoried and recited ad nauseum. But what of the most attractive stoners? What of them? The Venn diagram of attractive stoners is a strange beast, as it seems that many men can fall into the overlapping segments, but only a handful of women.

Stupid sexist Hollywood. When will the entertainment industry give attractive women the recognition and notoriety they deserve?. This has gone on for far too long.

Milla Jovavich – Dazed and Confused

She didn’t speak much, but she didn’t really have to. Her character, Michelle Burroughs (had to look that one up), added to the film by just being there, and of course, by mindlessly staring at her lighter flame while stoned at the moon tower beer bust. She didn’t speak, she was hot, she got stoned, and she played guitar. This would be a stoner’s dream girl right here.

Milla also introduces us to a pretty familiar trope: the stoner girl that doesn’t speak. We see it in Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels as well. I guess if you’re going to be around a stoner, many would prefer to be around one that doesn’t talk, so that makes some sense.

Bridget Fonda – Jackie Brown

Here’s another hot girl from the movies who loves to smoke pot! But don’t get used to it, because from here on out, it’s mostly dudes. Good-looking dudes, but dudes nonetheless.

Bridget Fonda’s turn in Jackie Brown was pretty much as just a housegirl that keeps Robert De Niro company and also has sex with him. However, she’s got some wisdom in that hot body of hers, as she holds court on why coughing while smoking gets you even higher. Something to do with some part of your lungs opening up for air and taking in even more weed smoke.

And this whole time I just thought that it was because coughing meant you just took a huge hit of weed. Silly me.

Brad Pitt – True Romance

It’s early-90’s Brad Pitt, so the hotness isn’t really up for debate, and he’s smoking weed out of a honey bear, which is just one of the coolest things in the world, so rather than repeat the obvious, here’s a very funny video of Brad Pitt, playing stoned very naturally.

Michael Rappaport laments in the movie, “All I got is fuckin’ Floyd,” but honestly, having a Floyd around isn’t so bad, is it? He seems agreeable enough. And for those attracted to men, he’s kind of got the whole package. Minus the “ambition” part.

Anna Faris – Smiley Face

This film came out in 2007, but it seems more in line with all those other disposable stoner films that came out in the early 2000’s, like Bong Water, Jesus’ Son, and the like. Faris plays Jane, an actress that really doesn’t do much more than sit around and smoke pot all day, which I’m guessing would make her a “stoner” by all accounts. And if anyone wants to argue with me about Anna Faris’ hotness, you can try it, but I don’t think you’ll be successful, and I might hit you.

The film is quintessential stoner fare, as it follows Jane after she unknowingly ate a whole batch of marijuana cupcakes, then is faced with the task of completing a list of errands. It sounds like enough to give me an anxiety attack right now, but that’s probably just because I’m really, really, really high as I write this.

No, I’m not. I’m not orthodox, so I don’t observe 4/20.

James Franco – Pineapple Express

Sure, he’s not dolled up like he was in the Spider-Man trilogy, but Franco’s hotness can supersede the piss-poor fashions and grooming practices of stoners everywhere. Plus, he's sitting next to Seth Rogen (pre-Green Hornet), which makes him comparably more attractive than he has any right to be.

Cameron Diaz – Bad Teacher/Something About Mary/Real Life

One of the most sought-after actresses in the world sure has some depth of experience playing stoners. Her role as Mary may not have portrayed a “stoner,” per se, but we do see her nonchalantly sharing a joint with Ben Stiller at the end of their first date, which is not something non-stoners normally do.

Then in Bad Teacher, she demonstrates that she is, beyond any shadow of a doubt, a very bad teacher by smoking pot all the time. Actually, some of the best teachers I had were stoners, but I think the combination of Cameron’s body and the novelty of having a stoner teacher would have been too much to handle, causing my fragile teenage mind to explode like a giant…explosion.

Ok. That’s enough of this. Enjoy your “holiday,” everyone. And remember:

“Fighting for sur-viv-al…he was lost in America!”